


On Your Side

by saucyminx



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, References to Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-25
Updated: 2011-04-25
Packaged: 2017-10-28 05:51:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 34,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/304442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucyminx/pseuds/saucyminx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen's life has brought him to a point where he no longer wants to live. Given the choice between institutionalization or time at a "healing ranch" he chooses the ranch and meets people who just might be able to change his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There was a sharp pain in Jensen’s side that he felt the moment his eyes fluttered open to take in the pale, under-decorated room he woke in. His eyes fixed on the white ceiling, the random swirls of nonsensical shapes blurring until he had to look away to keep from being sick. In Jensen’s defense, he had never planned to wake on the other side of the bottle of pills and the fifth of whiskey he’d downed.

It simply figured that, like all the other things in his life, Jensen had failed at killing himself. The idea was enough to make him feel worse than he had before attempting to end his life and that was truly saying something.

Perhaps the only thing Jensen was able to muster any passion for was the idea of his ultimate demise. Jensen hadn’t spent his entire life planning his death but he had always had it in his mind to stop breathing. Or, simply to stop waking. If he were honest with himself Jensen would say he had truly never lived, he was simply the shell of a person that kept moving because it seemed he had no choice.

To be thirty years old however and to find yourself waking alone in a hospital room after what he hadn’t succeeded in doing - hell, to be sitting in the silence of your apartment, your death a bottle of Advil and copper colored alcohol’s step away, with no real person to leave even a goodbye note to - was a place Jensen had never expected to find himself. Jensen should have stuck with the lesson he learned as a child, to stop creating expectations of life. Because it only ever led to disappointment.

And the harsh cold that was his reality. That Jensen was truly, completely alone. That there was no one who would care about his death. And that the nightmares he still dealt with every time he closed his eyes still remained the truth of his past.

“Mr. Ackles?”

The knock that preceded the soft voice wasn’t much of a warning but Jensen wasn’t too surprised. After all, this wasn’t the first time he’d been in this place. How could Jensen consider any part of himself successful if he had failed three times now at doing something that should be relatively simple?

At least this time there would be no new physical scars. Just the ever present and deepening callouses to his psyche.

“Mr. Ackles? Jensen?”

The voice was closer now and Jensen let his head fall to the side to peer up at the Doctor clutching a clipboard and looking down at him. Her sandy brown hair was curled up in a bun, little wisps falling around her ears, and Jensen thought maybe she would be attractive to the average man. But since Jensen held no particular preference toward women - or toward the idea that someone would actually want to learn him in a sexual manor - he shook his head to stop trying to analyze the situation.

His last psychiatrist insisted the analyzing thing was a defense mechanism. Jensen was fairly certain he was just scared to let his mind turn to thoughts that weren’t the facts of others. Letting himself think had always been one of his biggest downfalls.

“Guess third time isn’t the charm,” he muttered quietly and looked away. If Jensen could figure out how to shut off his mind, then maybe he wouldn’t have to resort to driving off a bridge or something. Since that would be his next method, the others having failed so remarkably.

The woman cleared her throat and looked down at the clipboard. Jensen figured she must be new, to feel uncomfortable with someone who had just woken from a failed suicide attempt. “My name is Dr. Maggie Erickson. I understand you usually see Dr. Hopkins, is that correct?”

“The last time I was required to speak with a therapist, yeah. I haven’t seen him in a few months.” Yeah, it had only been six months since the last time Jensen was here. Really this time he had thought he would succeed.

“I see,” Dr. Erickson hummed softly and lifted the papers, eyes sliding over them for a long moment before she turned and grabbed a chair, dragging it over to his bedside. “So, this is your third attempt on your life.”

It was a true testament to the hollow shell that had a permanent fixture in Jensen’s chest that he couldn’t even pull up bitter sarcasm as a retort. “Third failed. I remember the speech you give me, and I know I will be in here for the three day holding period, you don’t need to explain it to me.”

“Actually, Jensen, your situation is a bit different this time.” Dr. Erickson smiled softly at him before looking back down, shifting the papers once more. “I’ve consulted with Dr. Hopkins as well as a few others on the medical board and we believe your psychological issue will continue to present a danger to yourself if unaddressed. We believe it’s time for a more prolonged treatment method.”

Listening to the woman Jensen officially decided she hadn’t had her PhD long. She was still trying to say things in the official, research paper sounding way. Jensen, however, was once a University Professor so there was no pretending he didn’t understand. He stared at the woman as he sat, shifting in the starchy white hospital gown and dropping his hands to his lap. “You’re going to admit me long term?”

“We’re going to provide you the option of two different treatments.” Dr. Erickson continued to smile at him - as if he hadn’t been steps from death’s door the night before, which reminded Jensen, how had he been discovered this time?

“As far as I understand there isn’t much in the way of effective treatments for the brain,” Jensen said flatly, not returning the smile because the gesture was foreign to him. Smiling, that was.

“There is always new research being done on the matter but we’re not here to test them on you.” She laughed softly and Jensen was tempted to ask why she kept using _we_ when there was no one with her. “After reviewing your file I must say it would go against my medical training to allow you to be unsupervised for the following, three months at least. Now, I understand three months in a hospital can be just as mentally draining, but if you were to stay here we would be meeting daily and your accommodations would be adjusted to a different unit.”

“The psych ward.” Jensen blinked at her, not even having to guess. It wasn’t hard to figure out, there was only one place they put people whose minds didn’t work right. She dipped her head in a slight nod and Jensen exhaled slowly, turning to look at a plain white wall. Three months in white rooms, in hospital gowns, smelling nothing but sterile air and body sweat. Jensen would kill himself with a plastic knife if he had to, to escape that. “What’s the other option? You mentioned two?”

Dr. Erickson’s smile grew and she shifted the file once more, pulling out a small pamphlet and offering it to him. “South Nicola Ranch. It’s kind of like a rehab. It’s a more holistic approach to caring and recovering. The ranch has been built to help those dealing with mental health issues. You would spend a lot of time around animals, primarily horses, learning to care for them and ride, take care of some of the land, and hopefully learning a lot about yourself too. I was there for a time last year, working with some patients, it’s truly a remarkable place.”

Jensen slowly looked down at the pamphlet he had taken, staring at the picture of a horse and stable there. Jensen had grown up in the city, where the closest thing he’d ever had to a pet was a mouse that lived in the back of the closet he’d called his. Outside a field trip in third grade where he’d gone to a farm and pet a goat, Jensen hadn’t really _left_ the city.

“Are... are there a lot of people there?” He found himself asking only because... three months in the psych ward? Jensen truly didn’t believe he could survive through that and even if he wanted to die, that wasn’t the quick and painless method he’d been planning on.

“It varies. You’d have your own room, you’d help make meals at times. Jensen, I honestly believe this could be a life changing experience for you. I realize the holistic thing isn’t necessarily every Doctor’s favorite but I think it’s clear our standard methods of treatment aren’t helping you. Take some time to think about it, read the information there, I’ll return in a few hours to hear your decision, okay?”

“Okay,” Jensen whispered and stared down at the pamphlet until the door clicked behind the doctor. He wasn’t sure there was much of a choice in the matter; Jensen couldn’t stay in the hospital. Horses though? He just wasn’t sure.

-=-=-=-

Three days later Jensen was staring out at miles of empty field from the back of a taxi. Honestly, he was a little surprised no one had escorted him, Jensen could have slipped away at some point if he wanted. But then, maybe it was a sign that some part - deep down in him - wanted to be better. And maybe the young Dr. Erickson had already known that.

There was no city, even the airport had been rural looking, and Jensen was feeling just the slightest bit twitchy. In cities he could lose himself in crowds. There wouldn’t be much hiding in a place like this.

It was an hour’s drive from the airport, the only scenery rolling green hills and the scattering of trees. As they came around yet another bend in the road Jensen caught sight of a long dirt road, a log cabin tiny up in the distance, and a man. The man was leaning against a tree at the end of the path but he straightened up as the taxi slowed.

Jensen stared at his curved cowboy hat, blue button down shirt, snug jeans covering seemingly miles of muscled legs and dark cowboy boots. Jensen supposed he looked just like a man who should live on a ranch - he just also happened to be drop dead gorgeous and yes, Jensen’s preference for men was clearly going to be an initial problem. He’d get over it quick enough, he usually did.

The taxi drew to a stop and Jensen reached out for the bag at his side, pushing the door open and climbing out. He felt the first spark of nerves since he’d left the doctor at the airport a few hours before. Jensen’s body might know ache, but certainly not from any type of hard work. And this man before him, with his rich tan, strong arms, natural smile, clearly wore a type of confidence that usual made Jensen all too aware of his lack of it.

Jared stuffed his hands in his pockets as he waited for the man to wrestle his way out of the taxi. The man matched the description the doctor had given Jared but for some reason he'd expected someone who looked older. Or, maybe he'd expected someone who wasn't quite as attractive.

 _Jensen_ looked about as nervous as anyone Jared had ever seen climbing out of the taxi at the end of his road. He was wearing worn jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. The sleeves, in fact, were so long that they hid most of the man's hands. "You must be Jensen."

Jared tipped the brim of his Stetson back and smiled as he held out his hand.

“Yeah. Um, you run this place?” Jensen wasn’t very good at guessing ages but he would say this man was fairly young, mid-twenties at least. As Jensen reached out and shook his hand the confidence showed through in the man’s firm grip and strong shake. However young he might be, he certainly held himself years above it.

"Sure do. Was my Daddy's ranch and when he passed away I took over. You're Jensen, right? I'm Jared. Welcome to South Nicola." Jared held his hand out for Jensen's bag. "This all ya brought with ya?"

“I don’t own much.” Jensen shrugged, a little surprised how Jared’s thick Texan accent made his stomach churn. He allowed the taller man to take his bag and shifted back, sliding his hands into his pockets. “You seem young to run everything.” Jensen pursed his lips, turning to watch the taxi flip around and drive off down the road before looking back at Jared. “Sorry, I suppose you get that often.”

Smiling, Jared watched the way Jensen's eyes kept lowering, the way he'd all but pulled back in on himself. This one would be a tough nut to crack. "Don't get a lot of much way out here." Jared laughed softly and swung the bag up over his shoulder.

"C'mon. Walk with me." Jared turned and started heading back up the long dirt road. "We have this thing we do here, walking up to the main house the first time folks arrive. My daddy used to say it was all part of startin' a new path. You know? The road not taken. What you think, Jensen? You ready for a new road?"

Jensen looked up the long road they started to head down then dropped his gaze, lifting his shoulders in a shrug. “Sure, why not.” Jensen wondered what Jared knew about him, if he knew that there wasn’t much of a choice in him being here. “So, Dr. Erickson, she mentioned the number of people you have here vary. Can I ask how many are here now?” Jensen liked to be aware of things like that, to prepare himself.

"Right now - it's just me and my two ranch hands. Kane and Chad. Chad helps me with the horses and Kane is one 'o those guys who can fix anything. Ya see an ass and a pair of boots hanging out from under the hood of somethin'? It's probably Kane." Jared turned to smile at Jensen.

Honestly, Jensen hadn’t anticipated that, being the only patient here. It was a little unnerving. After all, there was no way to slip by unnoticed if all the attention was on him. “Okay,” he said softly, nodding his understanding. “Slow time of the year?”

"We don't like to fill the place up. Not the best way to get to know someone." Jared smiled and pulled a bandanna out of his pocket to wipe at the back of his neck. It was still warm, even for that late in the year. "We have four extra rooms in the main house and two small cabins. Not a big family - but it's all I got."

They walked in silence for a short distance and Jared peered at Jensen out of the corner of his eye. “You got any questions for me?”

Jensen had a million questions, whether he’d ask them or not though, was hard to say. “Dr. Erickson mentioned I’d be making some meals? Working with horses? Is that the kind of stuff you’ll require me to do?” Jensen glanced toward the stable but wherever the horses were he couldn’t see them. That was probably for the best; he’d never seen a horse in real life and he didn’t need to start freaking out about getting close to one just yet.

Laughing softly Jared tipped his hat back a little. "Well, I don't really require anything. You're welcome to come out and ride, work with the horses, learn about runnin' the ranch. We are all takin' turns cookin' right now though I gotta tell ya. You've arrived on a good night 'cause it's Kane's turn. Outta all three of us - he's the one with the most skill in the kitchen."

“So, you don’t require anything.” Jensen looked over at Jared, watching the smile on his face and the slight dimples it curved into his cheeks. There was a happiness about the man that Jensen almost envied, like it was natural. He chose to think about life at the ranch instead of Jared because it was easier. “What keeps me from leaving then?”

"No Sir. But I can tell ya - you're gonna be bored outta your skull if you just sit around all day and do nothin'. Hot too. We don't have any fancy air conditionin' or anything. Not sure what you're used to..." Jared's gaze lifted as he heard a horse knicker off in the distance. "I hear my boy callin' me. Usually take him out for a ride about this time 'o day. I'll get you settled and you can rest for a while. You think you'd like to stay in the house with me or in a cabin by yourself?"

Jensen glanced toward the cabins then the house, unsure what choice was the best. His hands slipped from his pockets, arms folding over his chest instead. “Uh, doesn’t matter I guess. Is... do you have inside bathrooms?” He tried not to sound as _put out_ by the whole idea as he was currently feeling. The whole thing sounded like a lot of time just to sit around and be stuck with his thoughts. Jensen didn’t like that idea.

"Nope, all outhouses. Gotta shotgun hangin' on the inside of the door so ya can get rid of the rattlesnakes." Jared tried to keep the smile off his face.

Jensen could feel his eyes widen as his steps drew to a stop and he stared in disbelief at the man. “You’re kidding right?”

Jared laughed. "Jensen, of course I am. This isn't some kind of punishment or somethin'. The cabins have small bathrooms and we've got two full size in the main house. They both have showers and one of 'em has a tub big enough for three people. We've got electricity too." Jared winked and looked off up the road.

“Okay.” Jensen nodded, blowing out a slow, relieved breath. He didn’t tell Jared that this felt like a punishment, because he didn’t have a choice, but then, what would he be doing if he wasn’t here? He supposed in the long run it didn’t matter where he was residing, it was just the place his shell of a self temporarily found shelter. “Well, I guess I’ll stay in the house. Where do uh- Chad? And Kane, yeah? Where do they stay?”

"Kane's in one 'o the cabins right now. I choose to turn a blind eye to where Chad might or might not be stayin'. I figure it's none of my business. You got someone back home, Jensen?" Jared shifted the bag to his other shoulder and pulled open the wooded gate at the bottom of the house yard.

Jensen frowned, stepping around Jared and past the gate. He considered Jared’s words for a moment, thought about asking but if it wasn’t Jared’s business then it certainly wasn’t his. “No,” he answered simply, looking up at the log house as they got closer. “What about you? I guess, it’s probably not the easiest place to meet a nice girl and settle down.”

"I'm single, but I do manage to go into town sometimes. You haven't gone back in time or anything. S'not like we take a covered wagon to get supplies. There's even a bar in town that plays pretty good music. Kane's been known to get up on the stage every now and again. We don't allow drinkin' on the ranch but once you've been here a while I imagine we'll all go into town."

Jared pushed the front door open and stood back to let Jensen go inside. “We don’t lock the place, so you can come and go whenever you feel the need. Hats off inside the house, ya catch someone wearing their hat you can take five bucks from ‘em. Good luck tryin’a get it out of Chad though. He’s a bit stingy that way.”

Leading the way down the hall, Jared stopped at the first door and pushed it open. “Your room. Bathroom’s across the hall. You wanna rest for a while?” Jared walked into the room and put Jensen’s bag on the bed. “Shit,” he said softly.

Reaching up he pulled his hat off and ran a hand through his hair. “Guess I already owe ya.”

Jensen was trying to absorb everything Jared was saying, continually caught up on one thing then the next, and then Jared’s golden hair, falling shaggy past his ears, almost to his shoulders. Forcing himself to look away, Jensen took in the room. It was small but nice, a wooden framed bed that looked almost handmade, a quilt draped over the top.

Out the window he could see the stables, at the side of the bed there was a nightstand. Across the room there was a dresser that also looked handmade and a small closet. All in all, Jensen figured it was better than the white walls of the hospital, so it would do.

When his gaze finally moved to Jared once more the man was watching him with a slight smile and he blinked once before looking down. “I won’t call you on it, this time, the five dollar thing.” He shrugged and reached out for the bag. “I guess I’ll just organize my stuff.”

"Well, that's real generous." Jared took a few steps toward the door. "I'm gonna take Rusty out for a ride and then I'll come and talk to you before dinner. That okay?" Jared's smile softened. Jensen looked a little lost and it kind of tugged at Jared's heart.

“I’ll be here.” Jensen lifted a hand and let it drop. It wasn’t like there was really any changing that, Jensen had three months of being _here_. He stared at Jared for a moment longer then turned, letting his bag drop onto the bed with a barely swallowed sigh.

"Okay, well, I'll come back later. Jensen?" Jared tilted his head slightly to try and see Jensen's face. "It's gonna be okay. No matter what it might seem like now - I'm glad you chose to come here."

When Jensen stayed silent Jared slid his hat back on and left, closing the door softly behind him.

Jensen blinked down at his open bag, his clothes neatly rolled and tucked away, and thought about Jared’s words. The man sounded so confident, like he truly believed what he’d said, and Jensen had to remind himself that things were _never_ okay. It was the building expectations thing again, there was no reason to allow himself even the slightest hope.

-=-=-=-

Jared took Rusty on a long ride to check on some fences. It was half to clear his head and half to think up his strategy for dealing with Jensen. Sure, Jared had a _file_ on the man but it wasn't something he liked to go through before meeting with his guests. He knew that Jensen had tried to commit suicide which was enough of a starting point.

By the time he returned the house he had decided on a few things. He took a quick shower, changed into a t-shirt and clean jeans then tugged on his dress boots. There was no point in reinforcing Jensen's belief that he'd been sent to some uncivilized corner of the desert or something.

Heading back down the hall he stopped outside Jensen's door and knocked quietly.

Most of the afternoon Jensen had moved through every action at a slow, nearly sluggish pace. He unrolled all his clothes, laying them out then slowly folding his shirts once more, hanging up his jeans after.

Then he’d stood at the window, watching a blond haired man - who he assumed was Chad - bringing a horse back to the stable, removing the saddle and slowly brushing along the animal’s coat. The horse was big, much bigger than the man beside him, but he looked only gentle now.

Once the man had finished Jensen turned and headed to the bed, sitting on top of the quilt and straightening the books on the nightstand. It was going to be a _long_ three months. He wondered if there were books at the ranch, something he could lose himself in.

When the knock sounded he was kind of relieved, his thoughts becoming too much for his barely stable sanity. “Come in,” he called out softly. The moment Jared appeared he curled his fingers over his sleeves, pulling down the rolled up material. “Hi.”

"Hey, you think I could come in and talk to you for a bit?" Jared smiled, the smile that Kane always accused him of using to get what he wanted.

Jensen nodded, shifting back on the bed until he could pull his legs up to tuck against his chest. “Sure. Was your uh, boy, good? Your horse?” He’d made a promise to himself that he was going to attempt to be as civil- nice - as possible to Jared. The man was more than generous allowing him into his home and expecting nothing of him.

"Rusty? He was good. I just took a ride down the north fence. We made some repairs there and I wanted to make sure everything was holdin' up okay. What about you? How you holdin' up?" Jared headed over to the bed and sank down on the end.

“Alright. I unpacked. And I watched uh, Chad I think. He was brushing a horse.” Jensen gestured to the window then dropped his gaze, picking at the edge of the quilt. “How many horses do you have here?”

"Quite a few. We rehabilitate horses that have been injured and were gonna be put down. My daddy always said that everyone deserves a second chance. Would have been Chad you saw." Jared shook his head and laughed softly. "He can't stay away from the horses. Claims he doesn't love 'em as much as me and Kane but don't believe a word of it. So... I was thinkin' maybe you and I could just talk for a bit before dinner, that okay with you?"

“You always make sure it’s okay to talk at least twice before conversations?” Jensen asked and forced a small smile when he realized how the question might have sounded. “Or, to be nicer, yeah, it’s okay. The talking thing. Anything specific we’re going to be talking about?” Jensen had a pretty good idea what it would be but he was rapidly learning with Jared not to make assumptions.

Jared frowned slightly and then shook it off. Maybe Jensen made him a little nervous but, that was always the way with new people.

Looking over at Jensen, Jared pushed his still-damp hair back off his face and smiled. "A little bit about you. I got this file in my office, got your name on it. I mean, I know the basics - I figure if comin' here is the good alternative then things must have gotten pretty bad. The thing is, I'd rather hear about stuff from you. So... here's the deal. You don't have to tell me anything now? But I'm not gonna open that file. What I want you to know is that you can talk to me anytime you want."

“Okay,” Jensen said softly, eyes scanning along Jared’s features for a long moment before dropping away. He didn’t get why Jared wouldn’t look, even if just for curiosity’s sake. Jensen wasn’t sure he’d be able to resist that temptation. “When, when people come here... are you always the one they talk to? I mean, you’re not like a doctor or anything right? You just listen to other people’s problems?”

"Not a doctor, nope. I gotta degree before I came back here to help out. Worked as a counselor for a while but I missed the ranch, it's home. I guess I believe that sometimes people just need to find someone to really hear what they're sayin'. You ever notice how sometimes people aren't really listening 'cause they're waitin' for their chance to talk and don't wanna forget what they say?"

“Yes.” Jensen nodded, head tilting to the side before he let his gaze move to Jared’s. At least what the man said made sense. “I use to teach, I know plenty about all the ways to pretend to have a conversation.”

Jared laughed softly and looked down at his boots. "Yeah. I think a lot of the world spends too much time trying _not_ to know anyone. Kinda makes me sad. People are - really great most of the time. What did you teach?" Jared turned his head to the side so he could see Jensen's expression.

“In my experience, that’s not true.” Jensen shook his head, sliding his hand down to pick at the fraying edges of his jeans. “The people being great. I taught English, literature, at a University. I guess, I was a Professor. No I mean, I know I was, no guessing there.” Jensen shrugged, lips pursing slightly. He still felt the burn of losing that, even if it’d been nearly half a year.

Jared frowned, eyes still on Jensen's. "You think people are ultimately shitty?"

“I think it’s easier not to hold any expectations that people will be great. So when they’re not, it won’t be so disappointing.” Jensen didn’t like that he’d made Jared frown so he looked away, pulling his legs to his chest once more.

"What if I don't have expectations?" Jared's expression softened. Jensen had been hurt really bad by something or _someone_ ; it was written all over him.

“That’s a smarter way to live life.” Jensen nodded, eyes fixed out the window as he lifted a hand to scratch along his jaw. “Are Kane and Chad a couple?” He hadn’t meant to ask that but he was still trying to escape his own thoughts, it was as good a distraction as anything else.

"That's, uh, probably somethin' you should ask them, don't you think?" Jared smiled crookedly even though Jensen seemed to be looking everywhere but at him.

“I’ll keep it to myself.” Jensen shrugged. He really doubted Chad and Kane were going to be as cheerful and friendly as Jared, Jensen didn’t want to start trouble. “It won’t, bother me. If you’re worried about it. I’m... well, just, two guys together doesn’t offend me in any way.”

"You seem like the kind of guy who can get along with people. Jensen? Why are you here? And I don't mean because they gave you a choice... what started all this?" Jared leaned back against the foot board.

Sighing, Jensen shifted back until his shoulders fell against the headboard. The route of the problem, it always came back to that. Jensen figured he wasn’t like most people with dark pasts, he didn’t bury his secrets. It didn’t make them any easier to deal with, but it spared some of the drama. “Do you want the reader’s digest version?”

"I'll take any version you're willing to give me." Jared smiled encouragingly and pulled his leg up on the bed to get comfortable.

“Well,” Jensen paused for a moment, considering if his usual policy of just saying it all was the best choice. For some reason, filling Jared in on all the dark and horrid details made him feel dirty or something. Jared just seemed too nice of a guy to hear it all. “My mom died when I was six, I was an only kid. My dad kind of fell apart and I became, his punching bag I guess. Spent a lot of years in a closet, didn’t get fed much, I’ve had nearly thirty broken bones over the course of my life. Until my dad died.”

Jensen sighed and shrugged again, purposefully glossing over details to make it easier. “I don’t know, guess it fucked with my head too much or something. What lead to me being here is my failed suicide attempt. My third. Man, I really suck at that for some reason.” Jensen laughed weakly then glanced toward Jared, swallowing thickly once more. “One of my therapists said it’s unusual that I can simply tell it all.”

"I've never heard anyone spit it all out quite like that." Jared stared at Jensen until the man turned and looked at him. "Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though. Maybe you're just the kind of person who's really good at hiding stuff, building walls. I mean, if people think that you're all tough then you can't get hurt, right?"

“People don’t _think_ about me Jared,” Jensen said flatly and shook his head, a wry smile on his lips. “I spent eleven years getting the shit kicked out of me constantly. I think after that, you just stop being scared of something like talking. Or maybe, you just stop feeling anything.”

"Maybe," Jared said softly. He dropped his gaze and sighed. "I'm thinkin' about you."

“I think it might be your job to.” Jensen bit down on his lip and closed his eyes. He wasn’t sure he liked the way Jared’s words made his heart flutter.

"No. It's my job to give you a place to stay for however long it takes. It's my job to go across the hall and open that file, read it, and figure out what to do with you. I'm doing _this_ because I wanted to get to know you." Jared shrugged and dropped both feet back to the floor.

Jensen slowly lifted his gaze and stared at Jared, the fluttering in his heart sinking slightly. “Have I made you angry?”

“Angry? Not at all. A little sad, I’m curious about you, wondering what you’re like under all that crap that’s built up.” Jared shrugged and pushed up to his feet. “We got time to get to know each other.” Holding out his hand, Jared smiled slightly. “C’mon, let’s go to dinner.”

As far as Jensen was concerned, making Jared sad wasn’t much better than making him angry but at least he was more adjust to that. He stared at the man’s hand and his blood picked up speed at just the thought. Touching. That wasn’t something he did very often.

“Okay,” he whispered and shifted forward, letting his hand slide over Jared’s and moving as the man gently pulled him to his feet. It was probably his imagination but, Jensen’s skin felt like it was sparking, heat crawling up his arm. His eyes moved over the man’s sculpted chest just barely outlined by his t-shirt, his hard sculpted jaw, the dusting of afternoon stubble, the dip of his clavicle. _Jesus_ , this didn’t happen to Jensen.

“Is- is dinner ready?” He asked quietly, forcing his eyes up from Jared’s lips and locking on his hazel gaze. Jared’s eyes were two different colors, swirled together, and Jensen was undeniably turned on and openly gawking. Jared was going to think he was insane. More insane. “You said, Kane cooked?”

“You okay? Look a bit flushed.” Jared reached over and pressed the back of his hand to Jensen’s forehead.

“I- no, I’m- I’m-” Jensen stared up at Jared, his mouth incredibly dry. He’d never been quite this affected by a person before and he didn’t know how to handle it. His hand was still clutched in Jared’s and the heat from the other man’s hand was against his skin. “I need to use the restroom,” he whispered and quickly stepped back, heading around Jared and out the door, disappearing swiftly into the bathroom.

Frowning slightly, Jared headed out into the hall and pulled Jensen’s door closed. “Well,” he muttered. “That went well.”

Deciding that hanging around kin the hall for Jensen to come back was just … well, a little strange Jared headed down the hall to the kitchen. He figured if Jensen was hungry enough he’d find his way there.

Striding into the kitchen Jared headed straight over to where Kane was stirring something on the stove. “Smells good,” he said.

“Fuck, Jared. Warn a guy.” Kane scowled as he wiped up the chili that had spilled off the spoon when he’d startled. “New guy here?”

“Yeah, I tried to be a little subdued but I think I might have just scared him a little.” Jared sank down onto one of the beat up wooden chair at the table.

“Well, you’re kinda intimidating.” Kane laughed and dragged the huge pot of chili off the burner.

“Where’s Cha-” Jared was cut off as the tall blonde banged the back door open and raced into the kitchen.

“Fuckin’ _bees_ ,” Chad hissed and quickly hit the faucet with his elbow, hand sliding swiftly under the cool water. He looked over his shoulder at Jared and Kane and pursed his lips. “Ain’t there some new guy today?”

“Bees?” Kane wandered over to peer into the sink at Chad’s hand.

Blinking, Jared stared at the backs of the two men. “Yeah, he’s in the bathroom. How do you find the only bees on this many acres of land, Chad?”

Kane headed over to the freezer and pulled out an ice cube tray. Popping a cube out he headed back over to Chad. “Rub this on it... there a stinger in there?”

“More than one,” Chad muttered and took the ice cube, running along his skin. He glanced back at Jared and shrugged. “Found a nest just inside Hershey’s stall. Probably smarter ways to remove it then just grabbing it but hell, that horse is damn old, too many stings could drop ‘em dead.”

Jared smiled slightly and dropped his gaze so Chad wouldn't see it. Chad cared about those damn horses as much as he did and it kind of made Jared love the guy even more. "Yeah, Hershey wouldn't survive as many stings as you. Thanks, Chad."

"Don't like the look of that, I'll go and get the first aid kit. Sit and ice." Kane headed out of the kitchen.

Jared’s eye brows lifted slightly at the order from Kane and he grinned over at Chad.

“Yeah, yeah,” Chad muttered but followed the order, plopping down onto the stool beside Jared.

-=-=-

Jensen had heard some commotion out in the kitchen - which was likely why he was still hiding - but he inched a little closer along the door frame in the darkness of the bathroom as it grew quiet. He took a deep breath, bracing himself to go out and join the men, but the next step forward had him walking into the solid firm heat of a man just a little shorter than him.

Hands flailing at his sides, Jensen briefly touched the man’s chest before skittering back. “Whoa. Sorry. Sorry I- um. Sorry.”

"I'm Kane. You must be the new guy. Chad went and got himself attacked by bees and Jared's in the kitchen lookin' like a puppy beat on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Go to the kitchen and we'll eat." Kane brushed past Jensen and snatched the large first aid kit of its wall hook.

When he turned Jensen was still standing in the doorway. "What you waitin' for, son? Chili ain't gonna eat itself."

Despite the man being shorter, he was certainly more built and Jensen was almost instantly intimidated. He nodded quickly and turned, shoving his hands into his pockets as he stepped into the kitchen, looking once at Jared then the blonde, Chad.

“Heya, I’m Chad. I’d shake your hand but if I move the ice Kane’ll probably kick my ass.” Chad grinned and shrugged, dipping his head toward Jensen.

“Uh, hi. I-I yeah, um, heard about the bees.” Jensen nodded, automatically shifting to the side when Kane reappeared in the room.

“Kane doesn’t kick asses, his bark is worse than his bite, Jensen.” Jared stood and pressed his hand to Jensen’s shoulder to guide him to the chair next to his. “Have a seat and I’ll get you somethin’ to eat.”

“You never get _my_ dinner,” Kane muttered. He set the first aid kit on the counter and opened it, searching around till he found the tweezers.

“You’re family, you can get your own dinner,” Jared teased.

It was immediately clear that the three men were very comfortable with each other, just the way they moved around one another, navigating the kitchen space with ease. Of course, Jensen was still a little caught up on Jared’s hand pressing on his shoulder and well, this whole thing. Being _here_ with three good looking men like this was all normal.

“Oh, _fuck_ Kane,” Chad hissed and kicked at his shin. “Give me a little fuckin’ warnin’ would ya?”

“When I warn ya, ya pull yer damn hand away,” Christian growled. He plucked at Chad’s hand until he had a few stingers out then took the ice cube to rub it over the man’s hand again. “Better?”

Jared waited till Jensen was looking up at him and winked. He loved watching Chad and Christian - all bluster and fuss and yet, Jared knew that they’d do anything for each other. “Now, about that chili - you want a bowl, Jensen?”

“Sure,” Jensen whispered, forcing his gaze away from the two men. Before he did though he watched Chad’s hand dropped to the inside of Kane’s thigh and caught Kane’s too soft smile in response. Face flushing, Jensen looked up at Jared. “Water?” He kind of hadn’t had anything to drink all day.

“God Jay, ya call yourself a good host? The fuck did ya do to the guy?” Chad shot Jared a smirk, shaking his head.

“I didn’t - you sure you're not sick or somethin’, Jensen?” Jared smoothed Jensen’s hair back from his forehead and smiled. Jensen’s eyes looked fine, a little tired maybe. “Maybe you should sit.”

“I- no I-” Jensen fumbled back, sliding his arms over his chest. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been attracted to guys before, but he was used to that being in passing. They’d smile, Jensen’s heart would flutter, they’d move on and Jensen would once more face what he didn’t have. But now he was looking at three months with this Jared, who was gorgeous and from all he could tell, pretty touchy feely. “I’m fine,” he whispered but dropped back in his seat anyway, just to be safe.

Jared sighed softly then headed over to the fridge to pull out a pitcher of water. After he set it on the table he fetched some glasses and started ladling chili into bowls.

Kane sank down hard into the chair beside Chad and leaned his elbows on the table. “So - what you in for Jensen?”

“Kane-” Jared rolled his eyes.

“I’m _just_ askin’ - boy don’t wanna tell me, he don’t have to.” Kane smiled sweetly across the table at Jensen.

“I tried to kill myself.” Jensen blinked over at the man, then Chad, then dropped his gaze. He’d rather not see Jared’s face while discussing this again. “A few times.”

“Must not have wanted to die that much then,” Chad muttered, sucking in a quick breath when Jared smacked the back of his head. “What? _Clearly_.”

“It’s okay,” Jensen said softly and shrugged. “It must be true, since I quite so spectacularly failed.”

"Whad'ya do? Pills or somethin'?" Kane took one of the bowls of chili that Jared had slid onto the table. "Bread, Jared."

Jared stared for a moment then shook his head and headed back over to the counter to grab some fresh rolls. Maybe if Jensen felt better talking to Kane it was a good thing. It certainly wouldn't be the first time that the gruff ranch hand had made a connection with one of their guests.

“Pills, that time, yeah.” Jensen shrugged and slid his bowl of chili closer, poking his spoon into the food. It was weird to have the full attention of the three men on him and he shifted in his seat. “Thank you, Jared, for the...” Jensen gestured to the food, looking up at the man.

“You’re welcome.” Jared smiled and finally took his seat beside Jensen again.

Kane chewed for a few moments then swallowed. “So, why’d you do it? Not attention or somethin’, right?”

Pressing his lips together, Jared fought back the urge to hush Kane and fidgeted with his spoon.

“Considering my real intention was to actually die, no, it wasn’t for attention.” Jensen’s words might have been a little colder then he’d originally planned but he couldn’t help it, being accused of something like that.

“Kane wasn’t sayin’ that was why, just curious. Everyone’s got a reason for it yeah?” Chad said around a mouthful of food, looking over at Kane. “Good chili, by the way.”

“Yeah, there’s a reason.” Jensen nodded and stared down at his chili, forcing himself to take a bite as opposed to offering any more answers.

Jared reached out for some bread and offered the buns to Jensen. “You like some? We don’t stand on ceremony ‘round here so it’s a bit informal. You can just help yourself to whatever you want.”

Kane put his spoon in his bowl and stared across at Jensen. “You gonna tell us? Or we gonna find out later?”

“Kane, that’s enough,” Jared said softly.

Jensen looked up at Jared and, for the first time since he’d arrived, gave the man a soft smile. “It’s okay,” he said quietly before looking over at Kane. However intimidated by the man he might be, he didn’t really want to _show_ it. This place was supposed to make him better after all, it wouldn’t do to be freaked out the whole time. “I’d um, rather not share all the details, if you don’t mind. It’s kind of a lot to talk about.”

Sure he’d told Jared, but they didn’t have to know what.

“Fair enough.” Kane smiled and picked up his spoon. “So you ride?”

Jared reached for another bun and pulled it apart to dip it in his chili. “Jensen’s not been riding before I don’t think. Was gonna ask, you wanna just come and meet my man Rusty after dinner? Get a feel for the place?”

“Okay.” Jensen nodded, forcing himself to take another bite of chili, it was pretty good. “You’re right, I’ve never ridden before.”

“When you take him out on his own Jay, put him on Domino, he should do just fine with Jen.” Chad grinned over at Jensen, snagging a bun from the basket. “Plus he gets on best with Rusty. Lord knows that horse is damn picky ‘bout his friends.”

“You know, Chad. I’m startin’ to think you actually love those horses more than us.” Jared grinned and shoved a big spoonful of chili in his mouth.

Kane stared hard at the side of Chad’s face.

“More then you, ya bet your ass.” Chad smirked and dipped his bread into his chili, glancing over at Kane and shrugging. “Was gonna head into town tonight, pick up a few things, anyone wanna go?”

“I’m in,” Kane said quickly. When Jared shot him a look he just laughed and concentrated on his chili.

“I’m gonna stick around here, maybe show Jensen the place. You want to look around, Jensen?” Jared turned to him and smiled, hoping their guest would take him up on his offer.

“Yeah, okay.” Jensen nodded, forcefully keeping his eyes off Kane and Chad. He decided Jared must just not be addressing their relationship because it was pretty obvious, and Jensen barely knew the guys. “I- I won’t have to ride yet, right?” Jensen looked up, flushing slightly when Chad snorted into his chili.

“No, that’s fine. We’ll just walk for a while and you can meet Rusty. There’s a nice river down behind the corral I can show ya if you don’t mine a bit of a hike.” Jared’s expression softened as he looked down at Jensen. There was something about this one that Jared liked.

“I don’t mind,” Jensen said softly and forced another bite. He knew the food was good, eating had simply never been his strong suit.


	2. Chapter 2

Being at South Nicola Ranch was kind of like stepping into another world, Jensen learned pretty quickly. He supposed the people there had a lot to do with it. Like Chad, who was kind of insane but funny - in a slightly disturbing way. Or Kane, who sometimes scared the crap out of him but was genuinely a nice guy. Then there was Jared, who just... was impossible to accurately describe.

It was remarkably easy to talk to Jared - as long as they weren’t touching and Jensen wasn’t having some internal meltdown over his epic crush on the man. The first few days Jensen spent as much time by himself as he did with anyone, as if the men were giving him the chance to settle in and find his niche in the group. He made dinner when it was his turn, helped Chad sweep out the barn, hiked with Jared in the evenings, and sat with the group listening to Kane play his guitar.

After a few days Jensen thought he could even fool himself into believing he was relatively normal. After all, a place like this, it was easy to pretend he didn’t have any dark history or horrible past. But, as much as he ignored it, _it_ was still there and sometimes no amount of pretending could get Jensen to stop thinking about it.

Which was why, almost a week after he’d come to the ranch, he still found himself caught up on this dark stream of thoughts that caused his shoulders to shake. It was later in the evening, well after dinner and his usual hike with Jared, and Jensen was facing the idea of trying to get sleep while his mind reeled with memories that made his stomach churn.

Walking silently through the dark house, Jensen considered what he could do to keep from having some type of panic attack. His eyes lingered on the wooden block holding sharp steak knives for a long moment before he exhaled slowly, crossing through the living room. At first he thought he was seeing things, wishful imagination or something, then his eyes adjusted more to the darkness and Jared’s form on the front porch moved slightly.

The slightest smile twitched on Jensen’s lips and he stepped forward, pushing the door open and stepping out on the front porch. There was a slight chill in the air and he tugged at the sleeves on his long sleeved shirt, looking toward the man. “Hey, kind of late to be out here.”

"Hey, Jen. Didn't feel tired for some reason. Made myself some hot chocolate and thought I'd sit out here a while. Join me?" Jared shifted over a little on the small bench seat so Jensen could sit.

Jensen was torn for a moment. Sitting beside Jared on the small bench seemed potentially problematic - considering his tendency to spaz at any physical contact - but Jensen wanted to, so. “Okay,” he said softly and crossed the porch, sitting beside Jared and laying his hands in his lap. “So uh, looked out my window earlier. Might have seen Chad and Kane making out.” Not that Jensen was complaining, they were certainly hot together.

“Yeah?” Jared smiled and took a sip of his hot chocolate. He held it out toward Jensen. “I only got one but you can share if you promise not to eat all the marshmallows.”

“I’ll only eat some.” Jensen smiled over at Jared - an action that was admittedly a little easier to do now - and reached out for the hot chocolate. He took a small sip and tucked his leg under his ass, warming his hands on the mug. “So you don’t have a problem with them being together yeah?”

“Should I?” Jared smiled and kicked his boots up onto the coffee table, crossing his legs at the ankle. It was interesting to him that Jensen kept bringing up the relationship between Chad and Kane.

Frowning slightly, Jensen shook his head and offered the mug back to the man, trying not to watch their fingers brush together. “They’re like your family, right? So, no, I wouldn’t think so. I was just... wondering. You know, how you guys never talk about it, and it seems like they’re hiding, so I was just curious.”

“I figure, no reason to change how I treat ‘em. And if they want me to know they’ll tell me. Sometimes, it’s nice to keep somethin’ like that to yourself for a little while. Savor it, it’s pretty special.” Jared looked down at his boots and shivered slightly then pulled a blanket off the arm of the bench. “You cold?”

“A little, yeah.” Jensen nodded, wetting his lips and shifting just a little closer to Jared. “I guess I didn’t see it like that, the savoring it thing. I won’t ask them about it or anything.” Not like he would have anyway, Kane really did intimidate the crap out of him.

Jared spread the blanket over his lap and flipped the other half over Jensen. "You can ask 'em if ya want. S'up to you - you seem to get along pretty well with those two." Jared had been hoping that he and Jensen would make some sort of connection, that things would progress a little beyond small talk but it hadn't really happened.

“They don’t know... me. I mean, I guess, you don’t really much either but, you know at least some things.” Jensen shrugged, shifting a little closer once more so the blanket would cover him more. “I don’t know much about you.”

"Okay, let's play that game. The one where we take turns asking each other questions. You game?" Jared leaned a little closer to Jensen. He had felt the subtle movements as Jensen shifted closer. There was obviously a bit of trust building. "You can start."

Jensen smiled slightly, letting his hand fall between them and trying not to pull away when he felt the heat of the man’s body. “Do you like living out here? Even though there’s not a lot of people?”

"I love it. The land is beautiful, the air is fresh. I've got the horses. Couldn't imagine living anywhere I couldn't go for a ride when I felt like it. S'peaceful out here; just us working hard, being some kinda weird ass family. It works. I 'spose sometimes it would be nice to meet more people but I guess I kinda have faith that the universe sends people where they need to go." Jared smiled and took a deep breath. "What about you? You like it out here?"

“I do. It’s... peaceful. I’ve never really been outside the city, I didn’t think I’d like it, but I’m pretty sure I never actually smelled clean air until now, even though I’m thirty.” Jensen sighed softly, looking out at the moonlit fields. “How old are you?”

Laughing softly, Jared bumped his shoulder against Jensen's. "Fresh air is a good thing and I'm twenty-six." He smiled as he thought about his next question. "You happy here?"

Lips pursing, Jensen tried to think of a way to answer that wouldn’t make Jared feel bad. No part of him liked making the man look upset. “I have, happy moments. Which, considering the way my life is or has been, that’s really saying a lot. Do you... like having me here?” It was probably a selfish question to ask but he couldn’t help it.

"I do," Jared said quickly. It was an honest answer. There was something intriguing about Jensen, and his presence was gentle, almost soothing compared to Kane and Chad. "In addition to makin' a mean omelet, you're an intriguing guy. I like you - what I know of you. Rusty likes you and he's a real good judge of people." Jared took the hot chocolate back and took a sip.

Jensen had relaxed slightly, and for once wasn't trying to put as much distance as possible between them. "So - can I ask why you always keep your arms covered?"

It wasn’t as if Jensen didn’t expect the question - the days were warm and he knew the long sleeved shirt thing had been noted before - but answering was proving to be a surprising challenge. He swallowed a few times, staring off at the field with slightly wide eyes. “I went through a self-mutilation phase, during college.” He was fairly certain he wouldn’t have to give more of an answer than that.

Jared nodded. It wasn't like he hadn't _thought_ that might be a possibility. Hell, it wasn't even the first time he'd had someone out at the ranch who did something like that. "Okay, your turn to ask me."

“Will I always be the only one here? Or will others come sometime?” Initially Jensen had been intimidated by the idea of being the center of attention. Now he wasn’t really sure he wanted to share Jared - he wasn’t used to that feeling.

"I might accept someone after a while. Haven't decided. I was feelin' a bit like maybe you just needed to be here with us so we could all get comfortable with each other. Seems like maybe you haven't had a lot of care - and we got a lot to give." Leaning back slightly Jared turned to watch Jensen's face. "My turn?"

“Yeah,” Jensen said softly, picking at the edges of his sleeve, gaze turned down to his lap. Maybe by the time Jared had someone else come around he’d be ready for it.

Jared dropped his hand to rest beside Jensen's and ran the back of his finger over the ragged cuff. "Can I see your arms?" He knew he was taking a chance, but it just seemed _really_ important; like maybe it was the real first step.

The air caught in Jensen’s chest and he looked up slowly, blinking at Jared in slight confusion. He couldn’t figure out why Jared would _want_ to. “They... it’s not pretty.” There wasn’t much about his body that was pretty really, not considering all the scars from his childhood and the one’s he’d given himself.

"I don't mind," Jared said softly. He turned his hand enough to hook his finger under the edge of Jensen's sleeve and lifted it just slightly. "Okay?"

The heat of Jared’s finger on his skin sent that rush of warmth through Jensen that he was coming to associate with the man. Their eyes locked for a long moment and he wet his lips, slowly swallowing then nodding. “Okay.”

Jared's lips curved up into a slight smile and he keep his gaze on Jensen's face as he pulled the man's sleeve up to his elbow. Finally looking down Jared tilted his head to the side and tried to keep his breathing steady and slow.

There were scars all over Jensen's forearm, ragged and uneven. Some were faint as though they'd been there a long time and some were darker, angrier. Jared nodded slowly and slid his hand up to rub over the scars almost like he could erase them with the soft touch. "Your turn... to ask," he murmured.

Tears were welling in Jensen’s eyes and he stared down at the place Jared’s fingers moved on his marred flesh. “Do they disgust you?” He whispered the question, biting down on his lip and letting the heat of a tear trail down his cheek.

"Not at all, they're just part of you like my dimples, like your freckles," Jared said softly. His fingers were still moving over the slightly raised scars like he was tracing a road map. "Could tell me a story I bet." His finger trailed over a long scar down the center of Jensen's arm. "Here was where you were really hurt, then here ..." Jared's thumb swept across a scar that bisected Jensen's wrist, "here you were really scared."

Jensen stared at Jared through the blur of his tears, his heart clenching in a way he’d never felt before. “Sometimes, it’s all I can think about. Like my mind is still trapped in that place. When... when my dad died, he drank too much, died in his sleep. I was locked in my closet, my room, for almost four days before they found me - the landlord did.” Jensen couldn’t move his eyes from Jared’s, couldn’t get himself to shut up by that point. “I’ve spent... years, wishing I’d just died in that closet.”

“I’m glad you didn’t. Jensen, that’s a horrible thing you went through. It must be really hard to even live with the memory of it.” Hesitating a few moments, Jared lifted his fingers to Jensen’s cheek and wiped at the tears there.

“My turn,” Jared said in a whisper. “Does it bother you to be close to me?”

They were much closer then Jensen anticipated, Jared’s fingers were moving warm over his skin and Jensen’s heart was racing. “It, makes me nervous,” he whispered, eyes flickering along Jared’s, down to his lips, and back up. “Does it bother you?”

"Not at all. But, I guess I'm kind of a touchy feely guy. Least that's what Kane always says. Why does it make you nervous? I won't hurt you." Jared's heart felt heavy; he could see so much hurt on Jensen's face.

“Because...” Jensen blew out a low breath, not daring to hope that this moment could lead up to something he’d never thought he’d ever have. “Because I want you to,” he whispered and blinked his eyes away. “Are you touchy feely with everyone, then?”

A quiet laugh was Jared's only answer at first and he wiped at the tears on Jensen's cheeks. "Not everyone, not like I go up to complete strangers and grab 'em up in a big hug. Like to get my ass kicked if I did that."

Taking yet another chance, Jared slid back and let his arm circle around Jensen's shoulders. He felt the man stiffen slightly and leaned back casually. "What do you want your life to be like?"

Jensen was unsure about the moment he’d thought was going to happen, his mind reeling slightly. Sometimes he tried to look for some sign that Jared was interested in him _that_ way but it was impossible to say. Jared was, after all, the most friendly person Jensen had ever met. “Honestly? I’ve never thought about it. I spend more time thinking about when I can make my life end.”

Slowly sitting back, Jensen let himself simply savor the heat of Jared’s arm over his shoulders and shifted slightly toward him. “Do you want to get married one day? Find someone to run this place with you?”

"Not sure marriage is in the cards for me but I'd love to find someone to settle down here with me. Kinda of a long shot to find someone who likes bein' out here as much as I do." Jared smiled and slid down a little, getting comfortable. "Let's see, well, what about you? The married thing."

“No, I don’t think I’ll get married. I’ve never even been in a relationship.” Jensen laughed weakly. Jared’s answer didn’t give any clue to Jensen about who he might prefer and Jensen wasn’t sure he could bring himself to flat out ask. “Not a lot of people want to get involved with a thirty year old man who hasn’t so much as held hands with someone.” Jensen gave the man a sad smile and shrugged. “Have you ever been in love before?”

Jared was still trying to process the idea that Jensen hadn't even held hands with someone. "I've been in love. Got my heart broke twice so far." Jared said softly. He took a few moments to pull blanket up a little higher and then offered the hot chocolate to Jensen. "Can finish that if ya want. You feelin’ tired yet? And don’t try and cheat me out of a question ‘cause that doesn’t count."

Reaching out for the mug, Jensen took a few sips before leaning to the side and setting it on the floor. “I don’t sleep much,” he explained softly, wanting to ask about the heartbreak thing but simply tugging down the sleeves on his shirt instead. He looked over at Jared for a long moment and when the man didn’t say anything he shrugged. “You said it didn’t count. Which means, you must have a question?”

"You still want to kill yourself?" Jared's eyes were locked on Jensen's. The strange thing was that Jared already believed that Jensen just might tell him the truth about that.

That was a tough one. Jensen stared at Jared, unable to look away really. It was weird how he could imagine this life for him, here with Jared. In it, Jared would fall madly in love with him, they’d live here on this ranch, and Jensen would help those who came through because he could relate.

Some part of Jensen reminded him that falling for the first person who really gave a damn was a stupid idea, and Jared was just doing his job. “Sometimes,” he finally admitted in a whisper, turning his gaze from Jared’s. “Sometimes it’s... hard to remember why I should bother living still. What happened the last time your heart got broken?” Talking about Jared was much easier.

Jared took a deep breath and blew it out slowly then groaned. "Well... hired a worker here for the fall while we were doin' a lot of work. We got close real fast, you know? Working together all the time, long days, long nights. Anyway, I thought things were great - didn't really see - well." Jared sighed and rubbed his fist across his mouth.

"One mornin' I got up for breakfast and he was leavin'. Didn't really say much 'cause I was pretty shocked. I figured of all people he might be the kind of guy to stick around. He loved it out here. Just wasn't meant to be though, I guess." Jared smiled and glanced over at Jensen.

 _He_. Jensen had been trying to find out this little bit of information for almost a week and now that he knew, he wasn’t really sure how to handle it. After all, did it really make it easier knowing Jared was gay? It certainly narrowed down the list of reasons he wouldn’t be interested. “Were you guys together? Like, in a physical relationship? God, I can’t imagine anyone just leaving you like that.”

"Good thing it's my turn to ask a question or I might have to answer a lot there," Jared teased.

Jensen laughed weakly, shifting so his arms slid over his chest once more. It wasn’t the easiest thing, this questions and answers game, but at least he was learning. “Well you know I’m going to ask them anyway.”

Jared swept his hair back off his face and laughed. "Yeah, but at least I get to ask some things in between barin' my heart and soul." When he turned to face Jensen again he winked so that man would know that it wasn't a problem. Why it wasn't a problem he didn't know but he'd figure that out later.

"So, my question. Hmm. If you could have three wishes right now - God's honest truth, what would they be?" He nudged Jensen with his elbow gently.

So far with this whole thing Jensen had prided himself on giving Jared the truth. Despite all the conflicting emotions in him, and the confusion in his mind, being honest was actually pretty easy. Except now of course. “Do you mean, like, three wishes for my life? Like I wish I had the ability to not have nightmares? Or like, right in this moment? Like I wish I had a piece of cheesecake.”

Jared couldn't help chuckling at that. "How 'bout you choose but if ya could I'd sure like to hear at least one life wish. You give me a good one and I'll introduce you to the big freezer in back. There’s a frozen cake in there."

Swallowing thickly, Jensen looked down at his hands, pulling in a slow breath to calm the sudden racing of his heart. “Okay. Three... three wishes. I wish I didn’t ever think about killing myself, I wish you would kiss me and I wish for a piece of cheesecake. There we go. Let’s get cake.” Jensen pushed up to his feet, hoping that he’d managed to muffle and speed through the words fast enough that Jared wouldn’t hear him or understand.

"Whoa there, Jensen. What? Wait ... did you?" Jared caught Jensen wrist to stop him from taking off. “My turn,” he said quickly. “What did you just say?”

“It’s not your turn,” Jensen protested, looking down at Jared with wide eyes. The man just continued to stare at him and Jensen sighed, dropping down onto the bench once more. “What do you think I said?”

“I couldn’t hear you ‘cause you spoke too fast but you just asked a question so now it _is_ my turn.” Jared dropped his gaze to where his fingers were still curled around Jensen’s wrist. “What did you say?”

Jensen couldn’t imagine saying it _again_ , especially if Jared really hadn’t heard him, or had heard him and was just thinking of a nice way to turn him down. Sighing softly, Jensen half shrugged and picked with his free hand at the blanket. “Um, I wish I didn’t ever think about killing myself?” He suggested, though they both knew that wasn’t what Jared meant. “And there was the cheesecake thing. Can we get cheesecake?”

Jared was sure he'd heard something about a kiss, but if Jensen wasn't going to say it again it wasn't like Jared was going to force him. Pulling his fingers off Jensen's hand slowly, Jared smiled. "Okay, c'mon. I'll show you where the cake is. Just don't tell Kane that I know where it is."

Pushing up off the bench, Jared stretched and let out a small groan. “I should probably go to bed anyway. Been sitting’ out here thinking half the night.”

“Oh. Okay.” Jensen pushed up to his feet, hand sliding into his pockets. He was pretty sure this was his chance, his one moment or something, but he had no idea what to do and the sane part of his brain reminded him that someone as perfect as Jared would never want him anyway. “You know, forget it, about the cake thing I... shouldn’t have sugar this close to bed anyway. So just, thanks for talking to me. It was... yeah. Okay.”

Smiling briefly at the man he turned and headed for the door, waiting to get into his room to smack his palm into his forehead like the idiot he was.

Reaching out Jared caught Jensen’s hand and pulled him back slightly. "I wasn't done talkin'," he said softly. While Jensen was blinking up at him like a deer caught in headlights, Jared twined their fingers together and pulled the door open. "I'll walk ya to your room."

“Okay,” Jensen whispered, looking down at Jared’s fingers laced with his. His heart skipped a beat and his palms instantly started to sweat. Jensen sincerely hoped Jared wouldn’t notice. “Sorry,” he murmured as they moved through the living room. “I’m- kind of an idiot or something.”

Smiling crookedly, Jared glanced out Jensen out of the corner of his eye. He could feel the nervous energy radiating off Jensen in waves. "What about all this makes you an idiot?"

“Take your pick.” Jensen laughed weakly, blowing out a low breath and trying not to walk at a ridiculously slow pace just because he didn’t want Jared to release his hand. “The babbling? The spaz attack? Saying one of my wishes was for you to kiss me, then the next was cheesecake?” Jensen groaned softly, shaking his head and rubbing the heel of his free hand into his eye.

Jared pulled Jensen down the hall and stopped outside his bedroom door. "Jensen, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you don't have much experience with stuff like this. But look on the bright side. You held hands with someone."

“Listen,” Jared said softly. "I heard the kiss thing, but you know. It's not the right time for somethin' like that. I mean, not only are we all 'sposed to be gettin' you feelin' better but we just met. My mama, if she were alive she's have my head for not bein' a gentleman."

Smiling, Jared lifted his fingers to pushed a lock of hair back off Jensen's forehead. "That make sense to you?"

Something tight clenched in Jensen’s chest and he looked down, trying to take Jared’s words as the sweet, sensitive, turn down they were. He wondered how many people came here and fell for Jared’s southern charms, his sweet smile. He probably had to turn down nearly every person he was just trying to help. “Okay,” he said quietly and pulled his hand free, reaching out for his bedroom door knob instead.

“Thanks for um, being honest and all. I- you’re right, with the, no experience- well okay. I’m just gonna go to bed.” Jensen _hated_ the way his eyes were pricking with tears and he turned to open his door, reminding himself of all the reasons Jared was right. “You’re... sweet, for, you know. Okay, yeah. Well, night.”

"God damnit, Jensen," Jared muttered as Jensen turned away from him again. Catching the man's hand in his again Jared tugged him back gently. "Don't _do_ that. Don't make this... it's not...God _damnit_ ," he said again.

Curling two fingers under Jensen's chin, Jared tilted the man's head up and leaned down to press a gentle kiss to his lips.

Shock rippled through Jensen at the press of lips to his, the flare of heat in response. His eyes stayed open for a moment before he let them fall closed and he stepped forward. Jared’s lips were soft, just barely moving over his, and Jensen’s heart skipped a beat before he just barely broke back. “You- you didn’t have to do that,” he whispered, his fingers curling over Jared’s hips.

"Never kissed anyone 'cause I had to," Jared whispered. "Not gonna start now."

Pulling back slightly, Jared smiled and then took a few steps backwards until their fingers slid apart. "Okay, so I'ma go to bed now." Jared pointed over his shoulder and smiled a little goofily.

Jensen stared up at Jared, trying to process the idea that Jared had _wanted_ to kiss him. And really, he didn’t want Jared thinking he didn’t want it, the kissing thing, and anything else. Sliding a step forward Jensen reached out and slipped his hand along the back of Jared’s neck. He took a deep breath and braced himself then slanted his lips over Jared’s, putting the full whirlwind of emotions he was feeling into the action.

Jared let out a small sound, kind of a half-formed word as he hesitated a moment before settling his hands on Jensen's hips. Then Jensen's lips parted, and Jared gasped against full, soft lips before sinking forward into the kiss.

Jensen's mouth opened wider, the vague sweetness of the hot chocolate mingling with the taste of his skin and Jared slid his hand back to press flat against the small of the man's back.

The heat of the kiss completely threw Jensen. He’d always imagined what it would be like to kiss someone, never dared to hope that he would have it one day, and now his mind was reeling. Jared’s lips were soft, his hand a firm weight pressing into him, and Jensen couldn’t help the soft moan that fell from him.

Fingers curling slowly through Jared’s hair he let his tongue slip forward, tentatively moving across Jared’s lower lip, over his top, before barely sliding forward. A rush of pleasure caused a shiver to slide down his spine and he stepped in to the heat of the man.

Tentative and bold all at the same time, Jensen's kiss had Jared's mind spinning. He swayed back until he thudded against the wall, pulling Jensen with him and pressing the man tight against his body.

His tongue met Jensen's, teasing it forward as he tried to breathe through the waves of pleasure that were rippling down his body. He knew he should stop, pull away, talk about the one hundred reasons why they shouldn't be touching each other that way; but the truth was he'd never felt a kiss quite like that before.

Jensen moaned louder into the kiss as pleasure curled thick and heady through him. His entire body was responding now, leaning into the heat of Jared. The man was strong, firm, and Jensen knew all these things but it was entirely different feeling him there now. He could so easily imagine how amazing this could be, and he’d never felt so _alive_.

Hand sliding up through Jared’s hair, Jensen broke back enough to gasp in a breath, his lips brushing along Jared’s then moving to his smooth jaw. “God, I’ve never felt like this,” Jensen whispered, ignoring the way his voice shook slightly.

Jared let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes for a moment. His tongue ran over his slightly parted lips and then he slid a hand up into Jensen's hair and pulled him back gently so their eyes could meet. "Slow," he said in a low whisper. "If- if this...if we do this. We do this slow." Blinking a few times, Jared tried to focus on the words rather than the tingle along his jaw and the want burning hot in his belly.

“Okay,” Jensen agreed quietly, fingers sliding through Jared’s hair a moment longer. His lips pressed just barely to Jared’s smooth skin before he forced himself to take a step back. “Slow,” he repeated and wet his lips, chasing the taste of Jared there. “I... is it against your um, policies? To be involved with me?” The last thing he wanted was to put Jared in a bad place.

Rubbing his hand over his chest, Jared smiled and shrugged. "Never came up before. Slow," he echoed. Sliding along the wall, Jared fumbled behind him for the door knob to his room and almost sighed in relief when he found it.

"You, we should go to bed now. Early mornin', if you're still up for your first ride." Jared's lips twitched into a smile.

“Yeah.” Jensen nodded, taking a slow, deep breath, still trying to gather some sense of control over his body. It was a little overwhelming, to feel such intense burning desire for the first time in his life. Thirty years of not knowing how it could really feel. Part of him just kind of wanted to rush into everything, but he’d already got Jared to kiss him when he wasn’t planning on it, he could respect the slow thing. “I... um, night, Jared.”

“Night, Jensen.” Jared opened his door and watched Jensen for a few moments. “You g’on now. I wanna know you’re all safe in there before I close my door.” Grinning, Jared pushed his hair back off his forehead as he admired the pink flush on Jensen’s cheeks.

Jensen’s lips twitched in a slight smile and he nodded then slowly turned, crossing back to his door and pushing it open. He looked over at Jared for a moment, words on the tip of his tongue, before shaking his head and turning back to his room. “See you in the morning.”

“Night,” Jared said again as the door closed. Sighing, Jared slid both hands up into his hair. He wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing - but that smile on Jensen’s face was the most genuine one he’d seen since the man had arrived. That had to be worth something.

Jensen didn’t bother to turn on the light as he undressed and stepped across the room, sliding under the blankets. He’d been avoiding it all week but he finally allowed himself to think of Jared _that_ way. A slow smile tugged at his lips as he stared up at the ceiling, thinking of the man in the room across the hall. Whatever this was, Jensen thought maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to start believing that it could happen.

-=-=-=-

It surprised Jensen how naturally he took to riding a horse. He had warmed up to the horses just fine in the first week but he’d been nervous about actually getting on one. Chad and Jared had both gotten him to spend some time with Domino, who was all black with occasional splashes of white covering his coat and mane. He was gorgeous really and that had somewhat calmed the nerves rushing through him.

Until the moment he got on, sitting tense and pointedly ignoring Chad’s hardly concealed laughter.

Jensen rode around the stable for a good half hour, just getting comfortable. And it was easy to relax into the saddle, especially when he caught Jared’s pleased grin. Jared had mentioned going out on a ride together if Jensen was comfortable enough, so as he passed he man he gently tugged on Domino’s reigns and smiled when the horse stopped.

“You wanna get Rusty and go out on a ride?” He suggested with a hopeful smile. Things hadn’t been as awkward as Jensen had worried they would be between them that morning the night after the most intense kiss of Jensen’s life - and well, the _only_ kiss.

“Look like ya got the hang of it. Got Rusty saddled already, lemme get ‘im.” Jared tugged his shirt out of his jeans and pushed his hat back as he strode across the stable. Rusty snorted and pawed at the ground when he heard the scuff of Jared’s boots on the stable floor. “Steady boy. Gotta show Jensen how well behaved you are.”

Jared laughed when Rusty shook his main and snorted again. There were times when he was completely convinced that the damn horse understood every word he said. “Sorry for leaving ya here for so long, Rusty. We’ll go for a good ride now, Okay?”

Leading Rusty back out the front door of the stable Jared smiled over at Jensen. Hooking his foot into the stirrup he swung up into the saddle and shifted his hips back. Gathering Rusty’s reins in his right hand he grinned over at Jensen. “Okay?”

“Yeah.” Jensen nodded at Jared, giving him a small smile. As the man passed on Rusty, Domino immediately followed without Jensen having to encourage him and his eyes widened slightly. “Is- are they trained to do that? To follow you?”

Jared laughed as he turned slightly on his saddle. "Domino has done this before. And he knows that Rusty's a good guy. Right, Rusty?" Jared leaned forward and scratched Rusty's neck.

Turning back again he pulled back on the reins a little. "Just give a nudge and he'll come up aside."

Swallowing a bite of nerves, Jensen nodded once and nudged the heels of his boots into Domino’s side. The horse immediately picked up speed, almost trotting until he was neck in neck with Rusty, his pace evening out. Jensen forced his grip on the reins to relax slightly, body swaying slightly with the steady rocking of the horse.

Once he felt comfortable once more, his gaze lifted to Jared and he gave him a soft smile. “Hey.”

“How’s it feel?” Jared tipped his hat back a little. He loved riding, the gentle rocking motion, the squeak of leather, nothing but them and the land.

“Alright.” It certainly wasn’t as weird as Jensen had thought, the mental image in his mind clearly off. “It’s kind of, surreal or something. I don’t know. Big horse, all this land. Oh just forget my brain.” Jensen laughed nervously, feeling the first real spark of uncertainty with Jared since their kiss the night before.

"I was about five years old when my Dad put me up in the saddle. I had a little black pony and I remember thinking he was a hundred miles from the ground. He used to tell this story all the time about how I just kicked my heels and snapped the reins and that pony took off at a trot. Said he had to run clear across his land to catch me. Slight exaggeration, no doubt." Jared grinned.

When Jensen’s smile grew slightly, Jared winked. “It is a little surreal. They trust us - and here we are.” He shrugged a shoulder and let his head fall back slightly so he could look up at the sky.

Jensen had thought it plenty of times in the past week but now it hit him with startling intensity. Jared was absolutely breath taking. Especially here, under the mid-morning sun, skin golden tan, easy smile on his face like there was no place in the world he’d rather be. And it was true, Jensen knew it without a doubt. He had a feeling if Jared were to spend the rest of his life alone at this ranch with just his horses, he’d really be okay.

He couldn’t imagine feeling that way. Feeling that _content_. And even though he was staring quite openly, he didn’t turn away. “What does it feel like?”

"What?" Jared's smile softened as his gaze found Jensen. The man's eyes were sparkling in the afternoon light and Jared sighed softly.

“What you feel. It’s... you always smile, like that’s just your default. Your mind... it must be, so much lighter than mine. So I was just wondering, what that feels like, not to live in such a dark place.” Jensen finally dropped his gaze, letting his fingers move over Domino’s coat. “That’s probably impossible to describe.”

Frowning slightly, Jared's smile faded a little. How could he describe being at peace. "Well, I'm happy. If that's what you mean. Content, I guess. I know where I belong, I got people who care 'bout me. S'not like it happened over night. I spent a lot of time tryin' be something' else. School, suits and ties, even had a car instead of my beat up truck."

Laughing softly, Jared studied Jensen's profile. "Things still make me sad, like the way you look sometimes when you think no one's watchin'. When we're all laughin' and havin' a good time I can see you disappear for a while - it's like you don't think you deserve to feel any happiness at all. Is that kind what you feel?"

Jensen smiled sadly at Jared for a moment, dropping his gaze seconds later and sliding his fingers with more strength over Domino’s coat. “My first therapist, or one of the first ones, he used to say that I spent too many years in my head. Actually he said he was amazed I hadn’t developed more issues. Apparently he would have expected someone in my situation to have like, multiple personality disorder or something.”

A shaky laugh fell from Jensen, sounding a little too flat for the ease he was trying to portray. “I guess, more than ten years living in that kind of fear, the only comfort coming from a few rags of a blanket in a closet... you just, stop believing that there are good things in the world. The, the belief that someone might actually care...” Jensen trailed off, shaking his head and staring hard down at the saddle beneath him.

“But you know that I care, right?” Jared’s chest got a little tight and he rolled his shoulder slowly.

“I...” Jensen looked over at Jared, rolling his lips together. “I’m working on believing it. It’s been twenty four years since someone genuinely cared for me Jared, it’s gonna take time.”

"Fair enough," Jared said. It was fair. After all the people they'd had come and stay with them at the ranch Jared still felt that little sting when people didn't understand that he cared. Of course, things with Jensen were a whole other mess that he wasn't quite ready to address yet.

They rode in silence for a while, just the buzzing of the insects and the grass rustling for company. It wasn't uncomfortable. Sometimes, Jared thought Jensen was _more_ comfortable with peacefulness than he knew himself. "I got a question," Jared said finally.

“Go for it,” Jensen murmured, letting his eyes sweep along the valley for a long moment before looking over at Jared.

"If you could make up _happy_. What do you think yours would be like? I mean - I know you just asked me to describe it - but you must have some idea of the things you'd like to feel, and maybe the things you want gone?" Jared's brow furrowed as he watched the tension grow in Jensen's shoulders.

“There’s really nothing easy about that question,” Jensen muttered, scratching nails along his jaw slowly. He rode in silence for a few minutes, glad Jared gave him the chance to sort through his thoughts. “I guess, I have, secret um... fantasies? Not, not like you would think. Normal things. Like, someone holding me at night so I stop having nightmares. And you know, I want to not be alone, or not be scared of being alone. And well, stop wanting to die, that’s probably a key point.”

"Kinda gotta come from you though." Jared lifted his hat for a moment and swept his hair back. "Being with someone, it might work short term but it's not a fix. Kinda like being too busy pulling people outta the river to fix the hole in the bridge they're fallin' through." Jared smiled and let his eyes wander along the horizon. The sun was setting and everything around them had that amazing golden glow that only last for a short while.

"You know what I think?" Jared smiled and twisted his back a little to stretch. "I think you must be pretty strong to survive what you did. You ever think about that?"

Jensen had heard that logic before, the idea that he had to be the one to fix himself, but it didn’t feel any more pleasant than it had before. Mainly because it was a truth that terrified Jensen. “I honestly don’t know why I was. Strong enough. I wish I wasn’t, or hadn’t have been. I wish that the first time he’d pushed me down the stairs my neck had just snapped and-” Jensen cut himself off with a sharp inhale and looked over at Jared, clearing his throat. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry for how you feel.” Jared steeled himself against the urge to tell Jensen how many things he would miss out on if that had happened. He knew that from the place Jensen was, it was unlikely he would even entertain the idea. “So, how do we start?”

“How do we start what?” Jensen pursed his lips, looking over at Jared in confusion.

“Getting you better.” Jared pulled his reins back. “Whoa, Rusty.”

Jensen watched as Rusty moved ahead a bit then stopped at Jared’s urging until Domino caught up. His chest was clenching strangely for a moment and he blew out a low breath, shoulders slumping. “I thought, I thought you said it was something I had to do on my own.”

"Yeah, but it's time, Jensen. It's time to start." Jared swung his leg over the saddle and slid down to the ground. Dropping Rusty's reins he headed over to Domino and patted his neck.

When he tilted his head back to look up he smiled. "It's time to come up with a starting place, a step maybe. There's all these things that you wanna change but you're stuck. We gotta get you unstuck." His fingers slid over Jensen's thigh and squeezed it. "C'mon down, wanna show you somethin'."

Jensen hesitated until Jared’s hand moved away, mostly because he was pretty into the feel of the man’s fingers soaking heat through him. As Jared stepped back Jensen slid down, legs wobbling for a moment until he straightened out and looked up at him. “You gonna tie them up somewhere?”

"No, drop his reins and he'll stay." Jared smiled and held out his hand.

Looking down at Jared’s offered hand, Jensen bit his lip for a moment before sliding his fingers across the man’s calloused palm. It still made his heart quicken, the prospect of holding hands, and he stared up into Jared’s warm hazel eyes as he took a step forward. “Okay, what are you showing me?”

Jared tugged on Jensen’s hand as he walked backwards a few steps then turned. There was a small group of trees at the crest of the hill in front of them and Jared led Jensen forward. “Never brought anyone else here, I mean other than Kane and Chad.”

Jensen’s hand was warm in Jared’s and his fingers tightened a little as they got to the crest of the hill. Sighing, Jared slowed and then stopped just short of the first fenced grave site.

It took Jensen a few moments to realize what he was looking down at, then his eyes widened slightly and his grip on Jared’s fingers squeezed tight. “Your parents?” He asked quietly though he already knew. He wondered at what sort of family Jared had, how close they had been, how much they loved this land. Apparently enough to make it their permanent resting place.

Jared nodded toward the closest grave. "Yup, mama there and this one's my dad."

He was silent for a while - like he always was. He was used to being there alone, after all. "Sometimes when things start to make me a little crazy I come here and talk to them. You think that makes me a little weird?"

“I talked to the mouse that lived at the back of my closet.” Jensen looked up at Jared, small smile on his face. “So, no. Not weird. It’s... good. That you can come here and find some peace. How old were you? When they passed away.”

"Old enough to remember them. That's good right?" Jared turned to face Jensen and caught his bottom lip under his teeth. Jensen's eyes were wide, the light still glinting in them and Jared noticed that his freckles stood out even more in the fading sunlight. "Jensen, I don't want another place to visit."

“What do you... oh.” Jensen blinked, swallowing thickly as he stared up at Jared. The implication behind the words made his heart ache in the strangest way. “You wouldn’t. I mean, I...” Jensen sighed and dropped his gaze, unconsciously moving toward Jared. “How many times have people come here, met you... this sweet, amazing, breathtaking man, and said they were falling for you? How do you not just think it’s foolish?”

“No one’s ever said that,” Jared said softly. His fingers settled lightly on Jensen’s hip and he stared down into the man’s wide-eyed gaze. “You askin’ me if I think this is foolish? You … and me?”

Jensen didn’t realize his hand was moving until the firm heat of Jared’s chest settled under his fingers. Glancing down at the soft blue buttondown Jared wore, Jensen wet his lips slowly before shaking his head. “I’m asking if you can believe I’m feeling these things even though my past suggests...” Jensen shrugged, looking back up and blinking the faint burn of emotion filled tears from his eyes.

“Everyone always says, gotta love yourself to love someone else right? And you, you think I need to be better on my own, I get that. But, what if what I need is someone? I’ve never had anyone to stay alive for. God, does any of that even make sense?” Jensen laughed nervously, stepping just a little closer.

Jared let out a long, slow breath. "Yeah, it makes sense. But - here's what I gotta ask you. What if we were to start somethin' and it went wrong? What if it was taken away? Doesn't that set you right back where you started?"

“Possibly.” Jensen nodded, knowing Jared was right. If he fell for the man and for some reason they didn’t work, Jensen wouldn’t be able to handle the fall out. His lips pursed as his hand dropped from Jared’s chest and he stepped back. “So I guess, me getting my issues sorted out first, that’s important.” He turned back to the graves, wishing he had some flowers or something to leave.

“It’s important to me. Is it important to you?” Jared kept hold of Jensen’s hand tightly in case he tried to pull away. “I’m being selfish,” he added softly. “I want all of you.”

“You’re not being selfish. If you were being selfish then we’d have done a lot more than kissing.” Jensen half smiled at Jared, rubbing his fingers slowly along the back of his neck. “So until I’m better, we can’t...” Logic told him why it made sense, but it didn’t stop him from _wanting_.

"Slow, Jensen. That's all - I-" Jared shook his head and looked down, pinching the bridge of his nose. There were so many things he _could_ say and so many things he _shouldn't._

Dipping his head in a nod, Jensen squeezed Jared’s hand a final time before drawing back, rubbing his fingers over his chest. “Hey, it’s fine. I... I’m sure this isn’t the easiest situation for you either. Just, me being me. We’ll go as slow as you want.” He looked over and down the hill, watching the horses grazing slowly in the grass.

"You being you?" Jared sighed and stepped closer, hesitating a moment before slipping his arms around Jensen's waist. Pulling him back against his chest Jared pressed his lips to Jensen's soft hair. “Believe it or not. I like you.”

Blowing out a low breath, Jensen laid his head on Jared’s shoulder and slid arms tight around him. “Jared, I’ll be honest with you, part of me just wants to beg you to kiss me, to touch me, love me. Because the way you make me feel, it’s so much better than anything I’ve ever felt in my life. But...”

Jensen lifted his head and looked up into Jared’s eyes, slowly reaching up to slid the man’s cowboy hat off. He couldn’t resist tilting up to brush their lips gentle and soft together. “I truly do want to be better for you. I want to be the strong, stable man you deserve to have. I want to make you fall in love with me and have a life with you. If I can admit to all that, if I feel it all already, that means there’s some chance for us right?”

“‘Course there’s a chance, Jensen. _Jesus_ , you think I’d be standin’ here with you if there weren’t? I’m kinda puttin’ it all on the line here. You came here to work on things...and here I am standin’ out here with my arms _wrapped_ around you in my favorite spot in the world....” Jared was feeling like he just didn’t have the words to describe how he was feeling.

“I just want you … to be who _you_ are. That’s the man that is interesting to me.” Jared’s lips curved into a smile. Dipping down slightly he kissed the corner of Jensen’s mouth. “I want you.”

A shudder of something warm and pleasant slid down Jensen’s spine at Jared’s words and he couldn’t resist turning into the touch, capturing Jared’s lips in a slow, soft kiss. He didn’t try to press for more and neither did Jared, which really worked best for their barely forming relationship. Still, when Jensen broke from the kiss he was slightly breathless.

“I want you too,” Jensen whispered, fingers curling along the brim of Jared’s hat while his free hand moved up through the man’s hair. ”I’m... really glad I came here.”

“I’m pretty glad ya did too. I mean - how crazy is it that all of the things that happened to each of us led to this moment. You ever think of things like that?” Jared smiled, sliding his palms up Jensen’s sides . “All the people in the world - and you found me.”

Shrugging a shoulder, Jared’s smile grew and he pulled Jensen’s closer. “Big world.”

“You make it sound like you’re not the one who’s going to save my life. Like I’m saving yours somehow.” Jensen laughed softly and let his forehead rest against Jared’s. “Jared,” he murmured, leaning into the warmth of the man. “Will you tell me? When I’m ready?”

“You’ll know. You’ll tell me.” Jared cinched his arms tighter around Jensen and swayed them back and forth slightly.


	3. Chapter 3

During the middle of his second week Jared gave Jensen a journal. Truthfully Jensen didn’t think he’d use it, wasn’t sure how it could possibly help him, but a little encouragement and prodding and Jensen gave in to at least _trying_. His first entry was about Jared, about the way the man made him feel warm from head to toe, the way his heart sometimes fluttered when Jared’s eyes met his or their legs met under the table.

The second and third entries were about Jared too but Jensen figured that was okay because he needed to warm up to the idea of writing out his thoughts and feelings. Even if the third entry was a little on the steamy side, because Jensen woke from a dream and had felt the full weight of _slow_.

A day later Jensen sat in the middle of the lawn, watching Jared galloping off on Rusty. He’d chosen the shady place on purpose, knowing it provided the perfect view, and smiled at the view. After all, there was hardly a more gorgeous sight than Jared, so strong and confident. It made him think about his mother, the few memories of her he could pull up, and how he knew that Jared would have loved her. They would have gotten along so well, he was sure of it.

So Jensen wrote about his mom, pages and pages, pulling up each memory and writing it down as fast as possible as if the memories would trickle away if he didn’t put them down on paper.

After that Jensen kind of got addicted to the journal thing. He blushed when Kane called him on it a few days later at dinner but Jared had given him a pleased, soft smile and Jensen was okay with that. There was something surprisingly freeing about getting each thought down on paper. Whenever his mind would flash with a memory - his father’s fist moving toward him, a stream of swear words strewn with brutal force over and over - Jensen would push himself through the pain of it until it was all there.

Writing it down didn’t take the memory away but it seemed to settle it, smooth out the harshest edges, and Jensen slowly began to feel as if his heart was lightening, the smile coming easier to his lips. Of course, each time Jared’s hand moved along his, or they’d spend hours talking on horse rides, helped too. Like piece by piece Jensen was gaining a normalcy he’d never anticipated having.

-=-=-=-

“Hey, Kane?” Jensen curled his arms a little tighter over his journal, leaning against the open garage door and staring down at the man’s cowboy boots. He may have been at the ranch for over a month but he still felt the slightest bit intimidated by the man. Especially when he was busy. “Can I um, ask you a question?”

Kane pulled his head out from under the hood of Jared’s truck and frowned. Yanking a rag out of his back pocket he wiped his hands and leaned his hip against the front grill. “Sure, Jen. What’s up?”

A while back Jensen had made the promise to himself - and kind of to Jared - that he wouldn’t address the Chad issue with Kane. After all, it was their business and they had a reason for not discussing it, but there were a few questions Jensen couldn’t imagine trying to ask Jared. Mainly because he was too embarrassed. And it hadn’t taken long to learn that Chad couldn’t keep a secret for the life of him. “Where... where do you take Chad on dates?”

Kane's eyebrow lifted every-so-slightly and then one side of his mouth curled up slightly. Rubbing the back of his hand across his mouth he laughed softly then looked back over at Jensen. "Chad likes to go ridin' down by the river but sometimes, we go into town. There's a bar in town that we like havin' a drink at. Why you ask?"

“Well you know, I haven’t really gone into town and I was wondering where I could take...” Jensen trailed off, frowning down at the ground. He wasn’t sure if Jared had spoken to Kane and Chad about their very, painfully slow building relationship. “Um. I was just wondering. So, you didn’t deny dating Chad then.”

"Sure didn't," Kane said. He stuffed the rag back in the pocket of his jeans and his smile softened. "What's goin' on? You want a cold soda?" Pushing off the front of the truck Kane scuffed his boots across the floor of the garage as he headed to the fridge.

Pulling the door open he peered at Jensen over the top of it. "I got coke and sprite."

“Somehow I just can’t imagine you drinking sprite.” Jensen laughed softly at the idea, crossing the garage and reaching out for the soda. He stepped back after a moment, leaning against the work bench and considering the man. “How long have you and Chad been together? Sorry, I’ve um, been curious for a while but figured you guys didn’t talk about it for a reason.”

"Months, we -" Kane shrugged and hopped up onto the worked bench. "We didn't figure it was a secret. Jared's not the kind of guy who would judge, or pry. Jensen, what's really goin' on?"

“I can’t be curious about a friend’s relationship?” Jensen eyed the man, his smile growing slightly. “You, you trust me yeah? You know I wouldn’t judge. And well, wouldn’t you like to talk about it? I think if I loved- or, uh, you know I’d just like to talk about it.” Jensen knew how Kane was, he’d just keep pushing until Jensen finally spilled whatever he wanted to say but wasn’t. Thankfully everyone at the ranch was patient with him, even Chad.

"Yeah." Kane nodded. "I figure you can be curious. You askin' me if I'm in love with Chad?" Kane shifted so he could see Jensen's face and then nudged the man's shoulder with his fist.

It hadn’t been high on Jensen’s lists of things to learn by talking with Kane but he’d take it. A slow smile pulled at his lips and he looked over at the man. “Yeah. You in love with him?”

"I am. I - yeah." Kane looked down and rubbed at his jaw for a few moments. "Sometimes, ya just meet the right person and it falls together. What about, son? You got feelings for my boy, Jared?" Kane's smile grew when Jensen's eyes widened.

Kane was smiling, which Jensen took as a good sign. Still, he hadn’t even told Jared just how strongly he felt, was feeling, whatever. “I...” Jensen bit down on his lip, exhaling slowly and dipping his head in a nod. “Yeah. I do. Is it pretty obvious?”

"Can't figure why else you'd actually be brave enough to ask me about _my_ love life." Kane laughed softly. "So - what's the problem? You don't know if he feels the same way?"

“No. I mean, I’m pretty sure he feels something for me.” Jensen laughed shakily, cutting off when Kane’s words sank in. His gaze snapped to the man and his heart tightened slightly. “Has... he hasn’t, mentioned anything? About me?”

Kane shrugged. “He doesn’t need to, I can read Jared like a book. Been here a long time ya know. He’s probably my closest friend in the world. He’s got that look about him when he watches you.” Kane smiled and shook his head.

“Well I guess I wouldn’t expect him to actually talk to you about it. You guys sort of don’t do the relationship talk huh?” Jensen laughed once more and let his fingers move over his journal. “Chad love you back?”

"Chad loves me back. Listen, Jensen, what's goin' on here? Spit it out, son - I'm not gonna bite yer head off or anything." Christian drained about half the can of soda and smirked at Jensen.

Sighing softly, Jensen dropped his gaze and rolled his shoulders back. This was one of the main reasons he went to Kane anyway, no beating around the bush. “Jared and I, we’ve been taking it slow. We are, obviously. I know I still have a lot of issues, things I need to work on. Just... I kind of wanted to take him out, or something. Guess I needed some advice on the subject.”

“You know the man. What’s he like?” Kane nudged Jensen again and stared over at him. “Not like I ain’t seen you two ridin’ off, you talk to him more than me.”

“That’s different. That’s his, work mind or whatever. I wanted to do something where he wouldn’t see me as the emotional Jensen. You know, the broken down guy he’s seen this last month. Just one night.” Jensen shrugged, meeting Kane’s gaze. “Somehow though, I don’t imagine the drinks in a bar thing being as good for us.”

Kane tilted his head in a slight nod. "What's your gut tell ya? That's usually what I go with. I mean, I tell ya - lookin' at Chad you'd never know that he'd be the kind of guy who's love a picnic in the barn would ya?" Kane winked, eyes sparking with mischief.

Jensen snorted a laugh then stopped, head tilting to the side as he seriously considered it. “Actually, you know, I can see that. I’ve spent a lot of time with Chad, I’m sure you know that, and I even get what you see in him really. He’s... a lot more than the outward image he gives out.” Jensen smiled, bumping his fingers against Kane’s shoulder. “You’re completely head over heels for him huh? I can see it, when you two are together, you watch him like, well, like I watch Jared I guess.”

Kane dropped his gaze again, shy smile creeping over his lips. "He's the center of my world, Jen. I'm not even sure how I managed to breathe right before him." Pressing his lips together he turned the soda can around a few times in his hand.

"It shows, ya know," Kane said softly. "When you watch Jared. When he watches you."

For some reason hearing Kane talk like that made Jensen’s heart clench slightly. It wasn’t like he hadn’t believed in love before, he’d seen plenty of it, shared by others. But he’d never really had friends, never cared about their happiness, and he couldn’t help reaching out to squeeze Kane’s arm.

Judging from the smile on the man’s face and the light in his eyes, Kane got the feeling. “He makes me feel... hope. That’s, well, a lot.”

"That's another good thing," Kane said with a small laugh. As his smile faded he looked over at Jensen. "Doesn't seem like you had a whole lot of hope before. We all need that to keep goin' forward."

After a short pause Kane reached out and squeezed the back of Jensen’s neck. “The thing is, you gotta take a step. Put one foot in front of the other and start movin’.”

“Jared said I would know, when I was ready.” Jensen nodded slightly, smiling at the man. “I thought originally that I had to be completely better but, I don’t know if I’ll ever be. Think, there’s some point where it’s okay to let him in more even if I’m not one hundred percent?”

"Sounds like a step to me. Take one - see where it gets ya?" Kane smiled warmly and hopped off the workbench. "Now, unless you wanna get your pretty ass under the hood of this truck? Git."

“Oh trust me, you wouldn’t want that.” Jensen laughed, shaking his head as he headed out of the garage. Surprisingly, his heart felt kind of light. Whenever he talked to Jared - or wrote for hours in his journal - it felt like weights lifted from his shoulder. But talking to Kane, was kind of like renewing his hope in the relationship he could have with Jared.

Head tilted down, Jensen wasn’t watching where he was going which was why he nearly jumped as he walked into the firm, solid mass of Jared. Looking up quickly, Jensen smiled and instinctively reached out to brush dirt from Jared’s jaw. “Hey, good ride?”

As usual, a smile had spread across Jared's face the instant he'd seen Jensen. He loved seeing Jensen wandering around the ranch, especially when he was holding the journal and had a smile on his face. "Great ride, stopped to fix up part of a fence. What you doin' in the garage? Learning mechanics from Kane?"

Jared reached for Jensen's hand automatically, their fingers weaving together.

“No, really, none of us would want that. I’m no good with my hands.” Jensen paused and looked up at Jared, smiling through the blush on his cheeks. “Well, when it comes to cars.” He laughed softly, biting down on his lip for a moment before pressing his journal to Jared’s chest. “You don’t have to read it, but, I want you to take that. I don’t need to go back and reread it. You can, though, if you’re curious. Just... yeah.”

Pressing his palm over the journal Jared smiled. He knew exactly how much trust Jensen was putting in him and it felt good; it felt like progress. "Okay, I'd really like that. See what you're always scratching away about in there."

“Just,” Jensen inhaled deeply, biting hard on his lip once more. He hadn’t even realized that this was going to be the next step forward until he was offering it, then it made sense. Of course it would be, Jared needed to _know_. “You, you might be in there, a bit. Um, just so you know.”

Jared looked down at the journal then grinned. "Honestly? I'd be a bit disappointed if I wasn't in it. I mean, c'mon." Laughing, Jared tugged Jensen closer and pressed his lips to the man's temple. The scent of Jensen's shampoo made Jared close his eyes for a few moments. "You smell good," he murmured.

Hand curling into Jared’s shirt, Jensen breathed in the man’s smell as well and just barely nodded, not wanting to move Jared’s lips from his skin. He knew they were kind of, cuddling right there in the middle of the front walk but apparently Kane and Chad were in the know. “Kane told me he’s in love with Chad. And other things. It was sweet.”

Leaning back slightly, Jared smiled crookedly. "He did? Sweet? I don't believe _that_."

But Jared did believe it. It wasn't like he didn't see the way they looked at each other. He knew that look, sometimes, he hoped that was what he was seeing on Jensen's face when the man looked up at him.

“Something about not knowing how to breathe properly before Chad.” Jensen grinned and slid his hand down Jared’s shirt, hesitating just a moment to tuck just barely under the hem. Their eyes met and locked as his thumb slid over the too warm skin stretch over Jared’s sharp curved hipbone. “I... should head inside. Gonna get a head start on dinner, think y’all are really gonna enjoy it.”

Jared sucked in a breath at the barely there touch, his lashes fluttering slightly. Licking his lips, Jared took a few moments to actually register what Jensen had said. "What? Dinner..."

“Yeah, food. My night and all.” Jensen’s heart was already racing, thumb sliding slow across Jared’s smooth, overheated flesh. One little touch and Jensen felt like his entire body was sparking. “You, wanna talk a walk with me tonight? After dishes?” Against his control Jensen swayed forward, lips brush the corner of Jared’s.

“Yes, I - I very much do.” Jared hooked his finger over Jensen’s waistband and tugged gently. “Was thinkin’ ‘bout it earlier.”

There were definitely more moments when he thought of Jensen then when he thought of other things. Jared’s patience might be extensive, but that didn’t prevent him from thinking about all the things that he _wanted_ from Jensen.

“Thinking about walking with me?” Jensen smiled softly, fingers sliding up until he could tuck hair behind Jared’s ear. “We walk together all the time.”

"I know. I just- is it crazy that it's the one thing that I look forward too? It's like all the tension and stuff just falls away." Smiling, Jared ducked his head down to his the flush heating his cheeks.

“Well it’s one of my favorite things. Maybe, my only favorite thing. Well I mean, just because it’s you.” Jensen laughed softly, shaking his head as he pressed up against Jared’s body. “I talked to Kane about... well, I wanted to take you somewhere. Man, okay, gonna stop talking and start cooking.”

“Wait, what? You talked to Kane?” Jared’s brow lifted and he laughed softly. He wasn’t entirely sure what sort of discussion would happen between the two men. “Take me somewhere?” Tugging on Jensen’s waistband again, Jared tried to ignore the fact that his finger was brushing against soft skin.

Smiling shyly up at the man, Jensen half shrugged and didn’t bother trying to escape again. It wasn’t like he really wanted to leave the warmth of Jared’s body. “I asked where he took Chad. On, um, you know, dates. Because I thought you and I could go...” Jensen glanced over at the garage then back at Jared, wetting his lips slowly. “Figured if I took you out on a date then maybe you’d be, interested. In, you know, more.”

“You askin’ me out?” Jared licked his lips and his smile widened.

“Y-yes? That, that okay?” Jensen swayed forward, lips brushing along Jared’s jaw for a moment.

“Mmmhm.” Jared turned quickly to catch Jensen’s lips in a kiss. The small gasp that Jensen let out worked to Jared’s advantage and he pressed forward, curling his arm around Jensen’s shoulder.

Lips parting under Jared’s, Jensen slid his fingers back into the man’s hair, curling softly through warm silk. He’d never get tired of Jared kissing him. There hadn’t been enough of it in the last month in his opinion. His heart was already picking up speed, heat curling thick through him and his free hand slipped around the man’s waist, tucking up under the back of his shirt.

Jared felt that simple touch _everywhere_. He murmured Jensen's name between passes of their lips as his long fingers curled around the back of the man's neck. Kissing Jensen was like dancing with fire. Jared felt almost like he would simply burst into flames at any moment but it didn't stop him from walking forward, pushing at Jensen until they were in the relative shade of the nearest outbuilding. He didn't stop moving until Jensen's back was against the wall and Jared could press in against him.

Moaning low into the kiss, Jensen lifted his leg and hooked it high along Jared’s thigh, letting the wall and the man’s firm weight hold him up. He sucked Jared’s tongue into his mouth, letting his hand press harder against the man’s back and slowly slide up warm skin. _God_ the way Jared affected him sometimes, Jensen wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle it. Like all the pleasure and tension swirled together and threatened to pull him apart from the inside out.

Jared had never felt like his knees might actually give out before - not from a simple touch, the shift of a body, a barely audible gasp for air. But Jensen was just so much _more_ than anyone else had ever been. The fact that they'd been taking things slow, waiting, just made this dive into unknown territory that much more intense.

"Not that y'all don't make a pretty sight? But I can't help wonderin' who's in the kitchen starting dinner," Kane said from somewhere behind Jared.

Groaning, Jared gripped Jensen's thigh and lowered it, pulling back from the kiss to press his forehead against Jensen's for a few moments before turning slowly. He felt almost protective, wanting to guard their moment and slid unconsciously in front of Jensen. There was a guilty smile on his face when he turned to face his friend. "You just couldn't wait a few more minutes?"

“God,” Jensen groaned and dropped his head back against the wall, fingers curling and slowly pulling back. He laid his hand on Jared’s shoulder, stepping in enough to press his lips to the back of Jared’s neck. “I- it’s okay, I’ll just head inside.”

Kane chuckled and swung his arms out as he turned around to walk toward the house.

Jared sighed, a shiver beginning where Jensen's lips touched and headed straight down his body. Closing his eyes he let his head fall back a little. "You promised me a date after dinner," he said softly.

“I did,” Jensen murmured, hand sliding over Jared’s chest and pressing in for a moment. “We’ll have a good time, I promise.”

Jared pressed his palm against Jensen's hand. "Okay then. I'll - you-" He laughed. "Let's go inside, I'll wash up and you can start dinner with Kane." His heart was still pounding and Jared kind of hoped that a cold shower would buy him some time before that whole spontaneous combustion thing.

“Yeah, okay.” Jensen nodded and shifted forward long enough to brush his lips over Jared’s once more before stepping away, nearly stumbling on the step backward. “Right. Well, I’ll just, see you inside. Later.” Jensen gave Jared a final smile before turning to half jog back into the house before he ended up pinning Jared to the wall and ignoring Kane’s dinner comment altogether.

Jared watched until Jensen disappeared into the house, smile on his face.

-=-=-=-

“Just told Jared dinner’s about ready.” Chad leaned back against the counter, reaching around Jensen to snag a carrot from the salad. He smirked when Jensen swatted at his hand then chomped down on the carrot. “He was uh, reading your journal and his face was all flushed. Any particular reason for that?”

Jensen blinked down at the stack of plates in front of him and swallowed thickly. He hadn’t realized Jared would be reading the journal right _now_. And they were going to have to sit at the dinner table together and pretend to be not be affected by what they both knew Jared was reading.

It was probably about the sex dream, wherein Jensen detailed every moment of Jared’s hands sliding over him, his lips, his teeth, his tongue. When he had given Jared the journal, he knew about the entry, but he honestly hadn’t thought Jared would sit down and read it.

“Who knows,” Jensen muttered and shrugged, clutching the plates and carrying them to the table. “I’m uh, just gonna go wash my hands.”

Before Chad could ask anything more Jensen headed down the hall. He wasn’t ready to talk to Chad about the relationship thing, a conversation with Kane earlier in the day had been enough for him. Glancing over his shoulder to make sure Chad wasn’t following, Jensen snorted a laugh and shook his head, turning forward in time to walk straight into Jared’s chest.

“Oh,” Jensen whispered, sucking in a sharp breath as his hips kind of _crashed_ into Jared’s. There was a suspicious heat and firmness that had Jensen’s cheeks staining with color. He looked up at Jared and smiled thickly. “Hey. I keep walking into you today.”

Jared simply nodded, his voice still caught in the swirl of desire that the journal had stirred within him. His hands slid over Jensen’s sides and he stepped back quickly, pulling the man into his bedroom. Kicking the door he pressed Jensen up against it and licked his lips.

The air caught in Jensen’s throat and he stared up at the man, hands fluttering to rest on Jared’s chest. “So uh, guess you’ve been reading.” Jensen could feel the flush of embarrassment on his cheeks and he looked up at Jared, his heart already picking up speed.

"I... you didn't say .. I mean-" Jared laughed softly but the sound died away quickly. Panting softly, he let his lips ghost over Jensen's cheek. "I liked what you wrote." Without even thinking he pressed his hip forward and moaned at the pressure.

Jensen swallowed thickly as pleasure burned through him and he shifted up into Jared, eyes fluttering closed. “I uh, didn’t realize you’d read it so soon. Your heart is racing.” Jensen could feel it as his palm flattened on Jared’s chest, pressing into the soft worn cotton of his shirt.

Nodding again, Jared dragged his lips lightly along Jensen's. "You... you do that to me. Your words, thinkin' 'bout our date later. It is a date, right?" Pulling back slightly, Jared licked his lips again and savored the subtle taste of Jensen's skin.

“Definitely a date.” Jensen tipped his head in a nod, sliding his hand up until his fingers grazed along Jared’s neck. He kind of wanted to just skip dinner and continue down this path of Jared pinning him to the door but he knew it wasn’t likely Jared would go for that, or that Kane and Chad would allow it. “I should probably warn you... there’s uh, a couple entries like that one you read.”

"Yeah?" Jared closed his eyes for a few moments and just breathed in the warm air that Jensen breathed out. "Maybe later, you could read me one..." The very idea of Jensen reading something like the passage Jared had read earlier had him pressing harder against Jensen's body. "You're so warm," he murmured.

“R-read you one?” Jensen’s eyes widened at the thought, his fingers gripping Jared’s shirt a little tighter as his hips moved up into the heat and friction. He wasn’t sure if he could survive something like reading one of _those_ entries aloud. “God, Jared,” he whispered, nearly moaning as Jared’s firm weight pressed him hard against the door.

Jared tilted his head slightly as he heard Christian's laugh drift down the hallway. "They're waiting for dinner," he whispered. The fact that Christian and Chad were in the kitchen, probably wanting to start their dinner didn't make one damn bit of difference to Jared. Jensen was warm, solid, sweet and Jared could feel every damn breath he took - every move he made. It was making him more than a little crazy.

“Dinner’s ready,” Jensen breathed, hand sliding up into Jared’s hair. “They’re big boys, sure they could figure out how to serve themselves.” He laughed a little breathlessly and tilted toward Jared, letting their lips brush together. “Unless you’re hungry.”

"This mean you're gonna read to me now?" Jared flicked his tongue over Jensen's ear and reached out to the side to flick the lock.

For some reason the lock turning sounded incredibly loud to Jensen and his mind spun with a sudden rush of warmth and _want_. Sure he’d thought about being with Jared plenty of times, more and more as the dark cloud hanging over his head began to fade away, but he’d kind of accepted that the time would _never_ come. Now, here he was, and already his breath was coming quicker than before. “If, if you want. I’d like that.”

Jared stepped back reluctantly and dragged the back of his hand across his mouth. Jensen's eyes were dark, his skin flushed and Jared couldn't tear his eyes away. "Come in," he said softly as he stepped backwards into his room. “Your journal...” He gestured toward the bed where he’d set the notebook.

Biting down on his lip for a moment, Jensen stepped further into the room and slowly looked around. He hadn’t been in Jared’s room before and it was nicer than he’d imagined. The bed was large, soft looking, covered in a dark red blanket that matched the almost Egyptian colored theme of the room. Honestly, Jensen hadn’t pictured Jared’s room looking so... exotic, stylish, modern even. Why he’d figured the man’s room would be like his own guest room, ranch styled and plain, he wasn’t sure.

Jensen was pretty sure he liked this better. He looked toward Jared as he grasped his journal, hesitating a moment before sinking down onto the edge of the large bed. “I really like your room, it’s... really nice.”

"Thanks," Jared said. He slipped out of his boots and shrugged out of his button down shirt. Rubbing nervously at his undershirt he moved closer, standing near enough to Jensen to brush his fingers against the soft cotton of his sleeve.

Any time Jensen saw Jared in his undershirt - or the couple of times he’d seen him without a shirt at all - Jensen’s mouth got incredibly dry and it was a little surreal. No one had ever affected him like Jared did. His fingers tightened on the journal and he looked up the long line of the man, lips quirking in a smile. “Should I... read now?”

"Yeah," Jared said thickly. He was kind of surprised that he got the word out at all and hesitated only a moment before dropping to the bed beside Jensen. Twisting slightly he pulled his leg up and slid it behind Jensen. Any distance between them felt like entirely too much.

The idea of actually reading with Jared right _there_ was almost too much but Jensen wanted it, wanted to see how he affected Jared so he forced his gaze down on the familiar bound book and slowly flipped it open. He could feel the heat of the man at his side but he didn’t look over, just to keep from losing his nerve.

“I dreamed about Jared again last night,” Jensen began quietly, wetting his lips and trailing his fingers along the edge of the book. “Seems like lately I dream of him more than I have the nightmares, which is of course a very good thing. The moment was sharp and burning from the beginning. It started with Jared’s body over mine, I was naked and he was kissing every inch of my skin, I swear I could still feel his lips even after I woke.”

A small, quick puff of air passed Jared's lips and his hand slid across Jensen's firm back. Heat was spreading throughout Jared's body, slow and steady, making him feel as though he was sinking into the warmth of Jensen. Resting his chin on Jensen's shoulder Jared whispered, "More," as his fingers curled over Jensen's thigh.

The heat from the words Jensen was reading, and Jared’s body right _there_ was all ratcheted up a notch by the deep rumble of the man’s voice. Jensen wasn’t sure he’d be able to continue, especially with Jared’s fingers soaking heat into his thigh. But he really wanted to see where this went so he forced himself to continue.

“The way Jared affects me during the day can occasionally be insane enough so to have him in my dreams is more than intense. Jared’s lips and tongue moved over my skin, along the insides of my thighs, then up across my hipbones. I could feel him marking my skin, almost... almost like he was claiming me. His lips circled over my cock, and even if it was just a dream I’ve never been so hard in my life.”

Jared's hand slid up over Jensen's wrist, down the smooth skin and over the open pages. The paper bunched up slightly under his palm and he parted his lips to press a kiss to Jensen's cheek as he pushed the journal down. "Kiss me," he said softly.

Hearing Jared’s request made Jensen’s heart lurch to an almost impossible pace. He’d already been nearly breathless before and now he stared at Jared with wide eyes for a long moment. The journal fluttered from his fingers as he surged forward, lips crushing hard into Jared’s. A moan rose up in him and Jensen twisted on the bed, shifting between Jared’s spread legs, chest pressing into the man’s. His hands moved over Jared’s chest, up to his shoulders, into his hair. He was already far too eager for more.

Jared ignored the part of his mind that was telling him to back off, let things alone, _wait_. Because he just couldn't wait a moment longer. There was just something _about_ Jensen; the way he arched forward into Jared's body crumbled the last of Jared's restraint.

Snatching up a handful of Jensen's shirt, Jared yanked him forward until there wasn't room for air between them. He'd spent too long only _remembering_ their fleeting touches. His hands moved slowly up over Jensen's shoulders and slid down his back, fingertips pushing under the hem of his t-shirt.

There was a mixture of nerves and excitement stirring in Jensen, crawling through him, making his blood race and pulse in his ears. Just the briefest touch of Jared’s fingers over his skin and he felt his skin prickle with awareness. His hands fluttered between them, sliding unsure over Jared’s shoulders, up into his hair, his body shifting to try and figure out the best way to twist toward the man.

Finally he worked his hands down Jared’s sides and up under his shirt, fingers flattening over smooth, silky skin. Jared’s tongue swept into his mouth and Jensen moaned again, louder, sucking on the muscle and pressing harder forward. It was a little crazy, the way it felt like there could never be a close enough.

Jared let out a small gasp as Jensen's fingers finally settled on his skin. The heat of Jensen's mouth sent a shudder straight down Jared's body; there was something urgent and yet hesitant about every touch and every movement that Jensen made. Pulling back from the kiss, Jared crossed his arms and yanked his undershirt off.

As his hands dropped he grabbed Jensen's wrists and pulled his hands back. Their eyes met seconds before those soft fingers were back on his skin and Jared half-smiled. "You can touch me, however..."

Swallowing down thick bursts of nerves, Jensen held Jared’s eyes for a long moment even as his fingers ghosted along the curves of Jared’s abs. The man’s eyes were darker than Jensen had ever seen, the pupils lust blown, and Jensen was fairly certain he’d never seen a better sight than the flush of pleasure on his cheeks.

Gaze dropping to his fingers Jensen watched them move along the honey tanned skin, the tips sliding across already peaked nipples. Anticipation, nerves, excitement, rolled thick in Jensen’s stomach and he hesitated a moment later before dipping forward, tongue flicking over the coppery skin.

"Jesus," Jared whispered. But his hand slid up to cup the back of Jensen's neck and hold him there. The gentle flick of Jensen’s tongue became a soft kiss and then Jensen sucked Jared's nipple harder and someone moaned - Jared wasn’t even sure who it was.

It felt like his muscles were going to shake apart, his lungs burning to get more air. Sliding higher on the bed, Jared pulled Jensen with him. “Lay... down,” he murmured.

“Okay,” Jensen whispered, already nearly breathless as he settled beside Jared on the bed. He was painfully hard in his jeans and he couldn’t resist the slight roll of his hips against Jared’s side.

Once more he dipped forward, a little more confident about sucking Jared’s nipple between his lips, gently dragging his teeth along the sensitive skin. His hand settled flat on Jared’s abs, ghosting along his skin, down until his fingertips rested on the top of Jared’s jeans.

Jared caught Jensen's hand with his and tightened his other hand in the man's hair. "Jensen-" His words were cut off when he moaned again, Jensen's teeth clamped down on his sensitive flesh and Jared couldn't stop the way his body arched up off the bed. "Jen..."

Groaning softly Jared sucked in a deep breath and rolled them. Jensen let out a soft sound somewhere between a moan and Jared's name and it sent shivers skittering down Jared's skin. He kept his body _just_ away from Jensen's as he stared down at the man. "Can I touch you? I need to _touch_ you..."

Pleasure slid down Jensen’s spine and he stared wide eyed up at Jared, tongue sliding across his lips. He nodded slowly, not quite trusting his ability to speak. He knew the minute Jared’s hands were on him he was going to fall apart, literally melt under Jared’s finger tips, but there was really nothing he wanted more.

Panting shallowly, Jared smiled slightly and shifted back until he was straddling Jensen's thighs. Tilting his head slightly he watched the rapid rise and fall of Jensen's chest, the way his lips glistened, the sheen of sweat on his forehead. He was _so_ gorgeous it was ridiculous.

Curling his hands over Jensen's hips Jared slid them up under the man's shirt. The material bunched up above his wrists as his palms reached Jensen's ribs. The man's flesh was like fire under his palms; it was smooth and soft and Jared pushed the shirt higher to reveal more of the cream colored skin.

Jared’s touch was doing exactly what Jensen had feared, his body arching up into each glide of his fingertips as if the man was pulling strings to tug him up. “Jared,” Jensen moaned the name, dragging it out as his back arched further up then dropped. He reached down, fumbling for a moment until he could grasp the shirt, tugging it up over his head and tossing it to the side.

Collapsing back onto the large, plush bed Jensen wet his lips and blinked up at Jared, trying to clear the lust from his gaze. “Jared, please, I want...” the air hitched in his throat and Jensen rolled his hips up, hands sliding down Jared’s arms.

Without another word Jared dropped forward. His lips found Jensen's neck and he sucked hard on the searing flesh as his hips pressed down. Even with layers of denim between them he could feel how hard Jensen was and he mouthed his way back along Jensen's jaw to capture his lips in a hard kiss.

Groaning into the kiss, Jensen’s arms slid around Jared’s shoulders, body moving in waves up against the man. His hands once more found their way to Jared’s hair because he loved the feel of soft silk sliding along his skin. The friction wasn’t near enough, Jared’s tongue moved between his lips and Jensen sucked hard, hoping he was driving the man just as crazy.

Jared's heart was pounding in his chest and he couldn't stop sliding his hands over Jensen's skin. He was more muscular than he looked, maybe some of it coming from his time at the ranch. Their kiss deepened, Jared's hips rocking down to grind against Jensen's in an almost desperate move.

The not nearly enough friction was maddening and Jensen was writhing beneath Jared, caught somewhere between impatient and too eager. “Jared,” he gasped as he pulled back from the kiss, sucking in deep lungfuls of air. “More, please, I- I promise I’m ready.” He’d been waiting, they both had, and Jensen felt they more than deserved _more_.

Licking the taste of Jensen from his lips, Jared stared down at him for a few moments. They were both panting, he was shaking, maybe it was Jensen - Jared couldn’t tell.

Sitting up slowly, Jared dragged his hands down Jensen's chest, over his belly and caught the waistband above each hip. Fingers hooked over the denim he slid them together to meet in the middle at the button. Jared's eyes lingered on Jensen's body, he could see the way the man's stomach muscles quivered when Jared's fingers brushed his skin. "God, you're - you're gorgeous," Jared murmured.

Flicking the button open Jared pulled the zipper down and tugged on Jensen's jeans until the slid down over his hips. More pale skin, soft cotton boxers and the hard line of Jensen's arousal. Blinking slowly Jared lifted Jensen's boxers and slid them down, pushing at all the material until he could see the swollen flesh. Spreading his hands wide over Jensen’s bare hips, Jared swept his thumbs the length of the man’s cock.

The first touch of Jared’s calloused thumb over his already overheated and sensitive skin was enough to have Jensen keening low in the back of his throat. _No one_ had touched him like this and Jensen felt like he’d been dreaming about it for so long, he almost couldn’t believe it was really happening, finally.

“Oh Jesus, Jared,” Jensen gasped and thrust awkwardly up into the touch, his eyes fluttering closed, hands sliding down the man’s firm muscles. For the first time in his entire life all Jensen felt was the pleasure, the flare of heat, and something tugging at his heart that felt suspiciously like love. Not that he’d voice that. Instead he sucked in a shaky breath and let his fingers flutter over Jared’s cheek, pushing at any lingering waves of self-consciousness at being exposed like this.

Jared caught his lip under his bottom teeth and dropped his gaze. There were scars on Jensen's body, old injuries and for a fraction of a second Jared felt protectiveness flare inside him. His finger traced a jagged scar on Jensen's hip and he slid back far enough to trace it with the tip of his tongue.

A deep moan shook through Jensen and he rolled up into the heat of Jared’s mouth, his heart skipping a beat. He knew where Jared was touching, knew just what the scar had meant before, and had never imagined that one day it would bring him anything but pain. His fingers slid through Jared’s hair and he inhaled slowly, lifting his head to stare down at the man. “Butcher’s knife,” he said softly then cringed, shaking his head. “You don’t need to hear that.”

Squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, Jared pressed a soft kiss to the scar and tilted his chin up to peer at Jensen through his hair. Shrugging a shoulder, he smiled sadly. "I like to hear everything you tell me."

“Well, I’d much rather get back to your mouth on my skin.” Jensen grinned and bit at his lip for a moment, tucking hair behind Jared’s ear. “You’re kind of making my dreams come true, literally.” It was cheesy but it brought a warmer smile to Jared’s lips so he could get over sounding slightly silly.

"Yeah?" Jared thought back to the words that Jensen had written in his journal. Turning his head slightly he kissed Jensen's wrist then slid his hand up to curl around the base of the man's cock. Jensen's head fell back against the bed as he let out a loud moan and Jared felt pleasure and want threading through his veins. "What part of your dream you want first?"

“Oh god,” Jensen whispered shakily, his mind reeling as he thought of all the possibilities. He kind of wanted _everything_ but he also knew it’d be so much better if they took their time, truly learned each other’s bodies. “I want... the, your mouth, everywhere, that bit.” He laughed nervously and spread his legs a little wider, eyes blinking open to stare bleary eyed up at the ceiling.

Laughing softly, Jared slid down off the end of the bed and slipped his hands behind Jensen's knees to pull him down. As his hands slid back up Jensen's thighs he leaned down and laid a path of soft kisses along the inside of the man's knee, then his inner thigh.

Jared smiled slightly when Jensen moaned softly and spread his legs wider. His fingers curled hard into Jensen's thighs and Jared dragged his slightly parted lips along the underside of Jensen's cock. “That part, you mean?”

The heat that burned through Jensen was almost enough to have his vision exploding with stars and he gasped in surprise, hips jerking up into the heat of the too brief touch. “Y-yes. That part. God, Jared,” Jensen trailed off in a moan as his head tilted up, eyes searching out Jared’s. He watched the man dip down to once more run lips over his swollen cock and the sight alone was enough to make Jensen feel a little crazy. “ _Fuck_ ,” he nearly hissed, fingers curling into the sheets at his sides.

Kneeling forward, Jared wetted his lips and slid them down over the head of Jensen's cock in a slick ring. Sucking hard on the swollen flesh Jared moaned around the heat of it then swallowed down the length. His fingers tightened on Jensen's thighs as the man's body jolted up and he held him still as he swirled his tongue around the ridged flesh.

Jensen sucked in sharp breaths through his nose, struggling for some type of control over his haywire emotions. The heat of Jared’s mouth was kind of maddening, the best thing Jensen had ever felt and he could barely get his vision to clear for a moment before Jared was doing something else to drive him crazy. The moan that fell from him was far too loud, Kane and Chad had to have heard but Jensen really didn’t care.

Flicking his tongue along the large vein that ran the length of Jensen's cock, Jared moaned as the bittersweet flavor of pre-come burst into his mouth. He pulled back enough to tongue at the slit and pull more of the flavor out before pulling off all together. Pushing up to shaky legs Jared shoved his jeans down and stepped out of them after they hit the floor.

Holding out his hand he waited until Jensen's fingers hit his palm and pulled the other man up until he was sitting on the edge of the bed. Staring down at Jensen, he cupped the man's cheek - thumb rubbing over his cheek bone. Jensen licked his lips and Jared blew out a breath and pulled Jensen closer to his cock.

Jared’s cock was flush red purple, swollen and curved up toward his abs, and Jensen had never seen a more gorgeous man, seriously. Nerves once more butterflied in his stomach and he swallowed thickly, biting down on his lip for a moment before he leaned forward. Tongue sliding out, Jensen swept over the forming drop of pre-come, moaning in soft surprise at the salty warm taste.

When the man above him moaned in response Jensen’s nerves eased, his confidence growing. Reaching up his fingers curled over the base of the man and held him in place as his tongue swept out once more and circled slowly along the head, tracing down over ridges and smooth skin. He could very much grow to enjoy the heavy weight of Jared’s arousal as he sucked him between his lips, drawing him in, sinking down over as much as he could take.

Jensen's mouth was fiery hot and Jared felt his knees buckle as he sank deeper. He couldn't turn his eyes away from the lashes on Jensen's cheeks, the way his lips were pulled taut around his cock - and _God_ Jared had never felt anything so good. His hands slid into Jensen's hair, nails scratching lightly over the man's scalp.

When Jensen's tongue began to explore Jared moaned and pulled back slightly only so he could slide forward again. He let Jensen control how much he took and _fuck_ he tried to just manage to stay on his feet.

There was no way Jared could have known the fantasies that lived in Jensen’s brain, which meant it was just some weird type of fate that he was doing everything that made Jensen’s stomach roll with pleasure. Like the way his hips slowly drew back and slid forward, fucking steadily into Jensen’s mouth in a way he had always imagined but never dreamed he would get to live out.

Relaxing his jaw Jensen sucked in more of Jared’s hard length, hollowing his cheeks and pulling him in deeper. His hands curled over Jared’s hipbones, tongue circling slowly over smooth skin. Jensen moaned as Jared’s body moved in waves toward him, his body shifting on the mattress to get closer.

"God, Jensen," Jared whispered. His grip tightened in Jensen's hair and he bit down hard on his bottom lip to stop himself from moaning too loudly. What he couldn't stop was the way his hips thrust forward just a _little_ harder. Jensen's only reaction was to moan and the sound vibrated around Jared's cock. Shuddering with pleasure he curled his fingers into a tight fist in Jensen's hair and thrust forward again and again.

Letting his head fall back Jared closed his eyes tightly and shook with pleasure. Jensen's hands were on him, his lips sliding up and down slick and sweet and it was all too much. Pushing gently at Jensen's cheek Jared grunted a soft warning.

Knowing what was coming only made Jensen’s tongue press harder, cheeks hollowing with a little more force. Jared’s hips were picking up speed, his grip tightening more and Jensen moaned, digging his fingers into the man’s skin. He _wanted_ this, wanted Jared to come in his mouth, more than he wanted anything, and he took Jared impossibly deeper so the man would have no doubts about his desire.

Swaying forward, Jared sucked in a deep breath and fucked hard into Jensen's mouth one last time. He came quickly, his release pulsing hard from his cock. Moaning softly as all the breath left his body Jared's fingers finally loosened and slipped down to Jensen's shoulders.

He felt Jensen's tongue everywhere, felt his muscles as he swallowed and the sounds that Jensen made turned Jared's muscles to jelly. When Jensen finally pulled back and gasped in a breath, Jared pushed him down and collapsed half onto him on the bed. "Fuck," he hissed. "Jensen."

His lips found Jensen's and he crushed their mouths together, his tongue sliding past soft swollen lips. Tasting himself on Jensen's tongue was intoxicating and Jared growled quietly as he slid his hand down to grip Jensen's cock.

Jensen moaned into the kiss, his mouth slightly slack under Jared’s questing tongue. He knew he was only moments from his release, the pull of the man’s calloused fingers too much for him to ignore. Pleasure burned sharp through him and Jensen tore back from the kiss, head tilting back as his hips moved up into Jared’s touch.

“S-so close,” he gasped and curled his fingers over Jared’s shoulder, half slumping into the heat of his lover. “Please Jared, I gotta...” Jensen groaned, his release so close his heart was racing out of control.

Stroking faster, sliding his palm up and down Jensen's rigid flesh - Jared stared down into Jensen's eyes. They were green-black, sparkling, and Jared could see the _want_ written all over the man's face.

Curling his arm around Jensen's neck, Jared pressed his lips to Jared temple, his cheek and whispered against his ear. "Come for me, wanna see you," Jared whispered.

“Fuck,” Jensen gasped in surprise, his hips jerking up into the heat of Jared’s touch. The man’s words growled against his ear and the heat of his voice all conspired against the last of his control and Jensen’s body snapped up into Jared’s touch, his orgasm flaring to life through him.

A deep moan shook through him and Jensen’s lips parted, eyes slowly opening and closing as his fingers curled tight just along the base of Jared’s neck. He had no idea how he managed to keep his gaze locked on Jared’s as he came but it made everything a thousand times more intense.

Jared's breath hitched as he watched the pleasure on Jensen's face. His fingers gentled, stroking Jensen through his release then sliding up onto his belly through the slick, warm come. "God, you're beautiful," he whispered.

Laughing shakily, Jensen slumped against Jared, pulling in slow breaths to try and calm the blood still pumping in his ears. “That was amazing,” he breathed, nuzzling into Jared’s neck, lips pressing softly along his skin. “Is it... always so intense?” His voice felt slightly rough, fucked out from Jared’s cock in his mouth, and somehow that made it all the more better.

“Mmm, well-” Jared slumped down onto the bed and pulled Jensen into the circle of his arms. “Hasn’t ever been quite like that for me before.” Jared’s heart was still pounding and he breathed in the scent of them. Smoothing Jensen’s hair back from his forehead, Jared smiled. “We should read your journal together more often.”

Jensen smiled, oddly shy after everything they’d just shared, and rolled closer to Jared. His lips pressed firm to Jared’s skin and his leg tucked his between his lover’s so their smooth flesh moved together. He could really get used to this. “Mm, the good parts. You can read the other stuff if you want but I dream it enough not to need to.”

Fingers sliding idly over Jared’s chest, Jensen slowly wet his lips as he sank down into the heat of the man. “Was I okay?”

"Okay? Jesus, Jensen... you were - you're-" Jared nudged at Jensen's forehead with his nose until their eyes met. "That was amazing." Jared's heart ached a little; it was _too_ easy for him to forget that Jensen still had so many things to work through.

“Yeah? I... it wasn’t weird? That I liked the um... you know, the way you...” Jensen gestured vaguely then laughed, shaking his head at how very unhelpful that had to be. “It was hot, the way you just kind of, fucked my mouth.” He muttered the words but Jared had to have heard him.

Jared’s eyes narrowed as desire sparked in him once again. Tugging on Jensen’s hair he tipped the man’s head back and leaned in to brush their lips together. “You liked it,” he murmured.

A soft sound, somewhere close to a gasp fell from Jensen and he tilted up into the heat of Jared’s mouth, letting the kiss linger there. “Yes. I, um, I’ve been thinking about it. The you fucking me thing. In a lot of ways.” Jensen wanted to groan at the statement but he bit it off, keeping his eyes closed instead.

"It's okay, you know. To want it, to want me to fuck you." The words made heat flare through Jared's body again. "Is that what you want?" He bit down gently on Jensen's bottom lip, fingers still tangled in his lover's hair.

“God yes,” Jensen breathed, pressing into yet another kiss. It was incredibly easy to imagine it happening now, Jared over him, in him, Jensen was willing to simply lose himself in those thoughts. Because it felt so _good_ not to think about his past, the darkness that consumed him for so long, Jensen was sure he’d never felt this _human_ before. “Do you want that? To fuck me?”

Nodding, Jared let their lips brush together again. "I've been thinking about it a long time. Since the first time I kissed you. Soon," he said softly. He maybe have become a little sidetracked from _slow_ but it suddenly felt like they had a lot of time. Burying his face in Jensen's neck Jared sucked in a deep breath.

“Yeah, soon,” Jensen agreed in a soft whisper, eyes fluttering closed as his arm looped around Jared’s body. “Think Kane and Chad know what we were doing?”

Jared's lips twitched into a smile against Jensen's neck. "There's _no_ way they missed you moaning like that."

“Oh god,” Jensen groaned and pressed against Jared like he could somehow hide. “Not gonna be able to face them for days.”

Laughing, Jared cinched his arms tight around Jensen. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect ya. Not lettin’ them pick on any boyfriend of mine.” Jared put on his best Texan drawl and winked when Jensen looked back up at him.

“Mmm keep calling me boyfriend like that and you can convince me of just about anything.” Jensen laughed and pressed forward to capture the man’s lips in a kiss once more. There really was something amazing about feeling so _good_.


	4. Chapter 4

The better things got, the faster time went, and Jensen really wasn’t complaining about that. Especially when it meant hours spent with Jared, in his room, under the large oak in the middle of the field, pressed back against the counter in the kitchen while they attempted to cook. It was hours spent learning each other, kissing until their lips were sore, touching until Jensen was certain Jared knew every inch of his body and nothing could be better than that.

As his time at the ranch rounded out into the second month Jensen found his entire outlook on life changing. Smiling came so much easier, sitting around in silence for hours wasn’t so terrifying, and even talking to Jared about his past took on a different quality. The man would listen and stroke his hair and comfort as need be, and when Jensen couldn’t talk about it? Jared never pressured him for more.

Jensen was in love. He didn’t doubt it anymore and it didn’t scare him as much as he thought it would. Sure the idea of telling Jared was enough to get his heart racing but he figured he’d get there one of these days and until then, he was confident in what they had.

Until, of course, the day he went out on a ride with Chad. It wasn’t all that unusual, he rode with Chad sometimes, with Kane others, and sometimes even the four of them went out. So Jensen thought nothing of it until he rounded the stable and caught sight of Jared across the way. Instantly he was smiling but just as fast the action was dimming.

Jared wasn’t alone. There was a man with him, someone fairly close to his height, with wavy dark hair and tanned skin Jensen could see from here. Jared was reaching out to him, running a hand along his arm and Jensen’s heart sank. He didn’t realize Domino had stopped walking until Chad smacked his leg.

“Dude? Domino’s thirsty, what are you doing?” Chad’s gaze must have followed Jensen’s because he huffed a moment later and shrugged. “Huh, new guy. Thought he wasn’t coming in until later.”

And really, Jensen hadn’t known there was going to be a new guy at all. He didn’t _want_ there to be a new guy. Someone new meant sharing his time with Jared. It meant Jared would spend hours off riding horses with this... guy. He was, upon closer inspection, more than a little attractive.

Jensen had been planning on getting over his jealousy by going over and greeting them but as he got closer and watched Jared’s eyes soften in response to whatever the new guy was saying, he veered off instead. And as he started making dinner - even though it was Jared’s night - he watched through the window as Jared gestured out to the land, probably explaining about how things worked around the ranch.

When the front door opened Jensen shifted to tuck along the corner, back to the door, eyes fixed down on the peppers he was slicing. Judging from what he’d seen, new guy was friendly, made Jared smile, and Jensen couldn’t help wondering why he was there at all. And really, how would he compare to someone with killer good looks like that?

Jared rounded the corner into the kitchen with their new guest following along behind him. "Hey, Jensen. You're back - thanks for startin' dinner."

"Matt, I'd like you to meet Jensen. Jensen's been stayin' here 'bout two months. Jensen? This is Matt." Jared squeezed Matt's shoulder and urged him forward.

Smiling shyly, Matt stepped a little closer and held out his hand. "Hi, Jensen. Jared says you and I will get along really great."

It should have made Jensen feel better that Jared had talked about him but since the man just said how long he’d been there, it was probably just patient-related. And Matt was all friendly and nice, Kane and Chad would warm to him as fast as Jared had. It was incredibly selfish but Jensen wasn’t ready _not_ to be the center of attention anymore.

Still, he wasn’t an asshole, so he forced himself to turn and give the man a smile - the fake one he hadn’t had to use in weeks now. “Nice to meet you. I’m sure you’ll settle in just fine here with everyone.” At least it was the truth, himself excluded, and he dropped Matt’s hand after a moment and turned back to the peppers.

Jared's brow furrowed slightly and he turned as Kane came busting in the back door with his usual bluster.

"Goddamn, fuckin' carburetor...oh. Hi, new guy." Kane looked down at his hand then wiped it on his jeans before extending it toward Matt. "Kane."

Laughing softly, Jared shoved at Kane's shoulder. "Kane, this is Matt. He just arrived."

"You know anything about engines?" Kane eyed Matt as they shook hands.

"A lilttle, my Dad's a mechanic." Matt shrugged and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"Get out." Kane grinned. "You work on Chevy's? 1970 pickup."

Matt nodded and finally smiled slightly. "Got a three fifty under the hood?"

Kane's eyes widened and he looked over at Jared. "We're keeping this one. Come with me, Matt. I need a hand."

Matt glanced up at Jared who simply nodded and watched as the two men left again.

When the door slammed shut behind them he headed over to lean against the counter beside Jensen. "Hi," he said softly.

Kane’s words were rolling around in some sickening horrible loop in Jensen’s mind. _We’re keeping this one_. If he remembered correctly, his first interaction with Kane was tense, until he made it clear he wasn’t ready to discuss his past. And the man would never, ever, ask for Jensen’s help with a car. Jensen had figured Matt would easily win everyone over but he’d also been kind of hoping it was petty jealousy making him think it.

Jensen felt foolish, heat staining across his cheeks softly, and he glanced up at Jared with a brief smile before returning to his slicing. “So I thought fajitas for dinner, sound okay?”

“Sure, if you tell me what’s wrong.” Jared crossed his legs and leaned back further to stare at Jensen. He’d been with the man long enough to know when something was upsetting him and he hadn’t seen that particular look on Jensen’s face in a long time.

“It’s...” Jensen sighed as he trailed off, shaking his head slowly. Explaining it would only make him feel more foolish. “I didn’t know someone new was coming. Matt... he, he seems nice.” That wasn’t at all what he was planning on saying but at least it didn’t sound mean. More, pathetic.

“He is nice. Got a lot to work out - I was thinkin’ maybe you’d talk to him for me? Make sure he settles in?” Jared shoved his hands into his pockets and watched as Jensen’s expression darkened momentarily.

Back in the beginning of his time, when things were starting with Jared and himself, he’d imagined taking on that kind of position. He’d be one of the man people to relate with those who came in, help them out, share and comfort. Only when he’d pictured it, it had come sometime after his required time at the Ranch was done. When he was there just by choice, maybe sharing a room with Jared, certainly when he was completely sure he was worth being Jared’s one and only.

This was just a reminder, that people would always come in and out of the Ranch, and apparently some of them would be very good looking and nice and shy and sweet. Jensen frowned but nodded. “Sure, I’ll give it a shot. Is he... was it suicide? Attempted, I mean.”

Jared shrugged and pulled a hand free to reach over and steal a carrot. “You know me, didn’t ask him. He’ll tell someone when he’s ready. Just figured - I dunno - he seems kinda sad.” Jared stuck the carrot in his mouth. “Anyway, I’m gonna go shower. When you wanna tell me what’s wrong - come find me.” Jared squeezed Jensen’s shoulder and turned to head down the hall.

Pursing his lips, Jensen stared down at the food that was already chopped into far too small bits, listening to Jared move out of the kitchen. He debated whether he could just get over this - or maybe tell Chad who would likely tell him to knock the shit off - or whether he should tell Jared. Part of him was worried, like Jared would be hurt by the sudden upsurge of jealousy. After all, Jensen was supposed to be better, and he _trusted_ Jared.

Roughly five minutes passed before he scooped up the chopped food, tossed it into a bowl and put it in the fridge. His steps hesitated outside Jared’s door before he headed for his own room, dragging up his bag and looking around with slightly wide eyes. Maybe Jared wouldn’t think he was insane, if he explained it all. It wasn’t like Jared didn’t know him. Hell, he knew him better than anyone ever had.

It only took a few moments to stuff everything in his bag - even with the few shirts he’d purchased in town a couple weeks before it still wasn’t a lot. Jensen hesitated once more outside Jared’s door before he pushed forward, tossing his stuff on the bed then dropping on the edge.

As the shower turned off in the bathroom he stood once more and crossed the room, turning the lock on the door before taking his place at the foot of the bed once more. His heart was racing, his palms felt sweaty, and his gaze fixed on the floor even as the bathroom door opened. “Hi,” he said softly, glancing up but turning away just as quick because Jared still shower wet, chest glistening, with a towel slung low around his waist was all sorts of distracting.

A smile broke across Jared's face and he padded over to the bed as he rubbed his hair dry. "Hey, was hopin' you'd come in soon enough to get in the shower."

As he lowered the towel he saw Jensen's bag and his smile faltered. "What's - why is your bag there?"

Until he heard the tone of Jared’s voice - a cross between worried and sad - Jensen hadn’t realized what it might look like. Sometimes, Jensen didn’t always think things out very well. He looked up at Jared with slightly wide eyes. “I thought, then, maybe you wouldn’t say no.”

"No?" Jared dropped down onto the bed beside Jensen and reached for his hand. "You're scarin' me. What's goin' on?" Jared swallowed down the nerves that were threatening and forced a smile back on his face even if it was shaky.

“I. God, Jared.” Jensen laughed nervously and shook his head, curling his fingers around Jared’s hand. “I’m jealous. Was jealous. Whatever. I know, all too well what it feels like, to feel so hollow inside then to be on the receiving end of one of your sweet, caring smiles. To feel like, the center of the world whenever you’re near. And that guy, he just, he’s gorgeous and Kane was taking him off to _his_ garage after barely a minute. I wasn’t allowed in there for weeks. And I know you’re going to spend a lot of time with this guy and I just, I didn’t realize I’d have to share you so soon.”

Jensen rubbed at his eye hoping to fight off the pricking tears as he stared down at his hand latched onto Jared’s. He still felt foolish, even more than before, and he couldn’t bring himself to meet Jared’s gaze - too afraid of what he might find there.

Jared's eyes widened as he realized what he should have seen so quickly. "Kane - he - you could have gone in there whenever you were ready. And... look screw Kane - I just want Matt to feel welcome. Honest. My first thought was to tell Matt how great you were and that you'd grown so much, made so many changes and he could probably really learn a lot from you. Jensen, _love_ you. There's no one else I feel like that... about." Jared dropped his gaze as soon as he realized what he'd said and he took a deep breath.

 _Love_. The word zinged around Jensen’s mind and he looked up slowly, hand pulling from Jared’s so he could reach up and cup his cheeks instead. He tilted the man’s head back until Jared finally met his gaze. “You love me?” He whispered, his heart racing already. “Like, like you’re in love with me? Because, there’s a difference. Like, you love Chad, but...”

"I'm sorry," Jared pressed his hand over his eyes. "It's totally inappropriate to tell you that. I mean, the last thing you need thrown at you when you're leavin' is that I'm in love with you. It's not at all meant - I mean - I don't want you to go but this isn't-" Sighing, Jared dropped his hand and reached out to grab onto Jensen's bag. "Why are you packed?" Worrying his bottom lip with his teeth he finally looked up to meet Jensen's gaze.

“Leaving?” Jensen said, lips pursing in confusion. He’d thought Jared would put it together but then he realized he hadn’t really _explained_ where his mind was, so. “No, no Jared, that’s not.” Laughing softly, Jensen shifted closer and pulled Jared in for a slow kiss. “I’m in love with you. I, I packed my things because I wanted to be here. _In here_. And I thought, if I already had all my things over here, you wouldn’t say no.” Jensen shrugged and dropped his hands, letting them fall to Jared’s lap instead.

Warmth replaced the knot of worry in Jared's chest and his lips twitched. "Yeah? In - like sharin', I mean, it would be _our_ room?" Sliding his hands over Jensen's felt good and Jared twined their fingers together.

“Yes. Please say yes.” Jensen looked up quickly, smiling hopefully at Jared. “I... I’ll probably still be jealous of Matt, but I promise to try not to be. And I thought, with me in your room, with it as _our_ room, maybe I wouldn’t be so bad. I know it might seem to be too soon but, we love each other, so, that’s something.” Jensen swallowed thickly and looked away, scratching along his jaw. “Please say something now.”

“You sure you’re ready for that? I mean-” Jared shrugged and dropped his gaze again. It was completely unprofessional but he wanted to just say _yes_ , become a couple officially, ask Jensen to stay forever. He opted for a simple question that he knew he should ask.

“Yes. I mean, I’m pretty sure. I...” Jensen sighed softly, eyeing Jared to try and figure out how much convincing he might have to do. Usually it wasn’t that hard to talk Jared into things so Jensen took his hand and threaded their fingers together. “Don’t you think I’m better? I- I can smile more, and I feel so much more, lighthearted? You’ve noticed me getting better right?”

Jared didn't think Jensen was completely better - not at all. What he was trying to sort through in his mind was whether or not _a relationship_ was the right step. "Jensen, you are better than you were. Your path, your journey.... you're not done yet."

Looking down at their hands Jared shook his head, smile growing. "And, what I'm gonna do. It goes against everything that I've learned. Yes."

For a moment Jensen had worried that Jared was actually going to say no. So as the _yes_ fell from the man he looked up quickly, tentative smile on his face. “Yeah? Really?” He shifted closer to Jared, sliding fingers along his neck, back into his hair until he could curl the strands softly in his grasp.

"We'll work on things ... together. You and me. But you gotta promise - you work on the jealousy thing first. 'Cause there's nothin' inside me, not a thing, that doesn't want to be with you. Only you. You're inside my heart and my soul and - I already don't know how to go back to _before_ you." Jared slipped his hand over Jensen's knee and squeezed gently.

Jensen’s heart fluttered at Jared’s words and he wet his lips, staring up at Jared with slightly wide eyes. “I can’t help being jealous you know. I mean...” Sighing softly, Jensen rubbed along the back of his neck, lifting his shoulder in a shrug. “He _is_ really attractive, and he does seem sweet, and I know you’ll need to spend a fair bit of time with him. I guess I just, don’t quite believe yet I’m worth keeping you all to myself.”

"Then I guess that's where I need to start. Makin' you believe it." Jared ducked his head down and felt a blush move onto his cheeks. "Can't have my man not knowin' how much I love him." Saying the words again made Jared's heart beat speed up, his skin warm and tingle.

“I’m sure you could come up with a few good ways to make that happen.” Jensen stroked his fingers through Jared’s hair, leaning forward to slowly brush his lips along Jared’s neck. “I kind of, really like the idea of being your man. Especially the way you say that,” Jensen murmured, already knowing just where to kiss to drive Jared the most insane.

Small waves of pleasure worked their way down Jared's neck and chest as he slid his arms around Jensen's waist to draw him closer. Leaning his cheek against Jensen's hair Jared closed his eyes. "I'm sure I can," he whispered. "Unfortunately, not right now."

He didn't pull away though - he'd learned long ago that was impossible. He could no more draw himself away from Jensen than stop breathing. "I need to get Matt settled. He wants a cabin, you'll come with us?" Jared wanted Jensen near him; wanted him to see the way Matt and he interacted.

“Um,” Jensen hummed softly, straightening up. He really was going to have to work on the jealousy thing because well, the man wasn’t even purposefully doing anything and Jensen was irritated with him. Something about the whole, making Jared be all responsible and stop thing. That was something he’d have to adjust to, Jared’s time being split. “I should work on dinner.”

"Chad's doing dinner - I asked him earlier. Come with me." Just like Jensen, Jared knew exactly where to kiss Jensen to get his way. He also knew what to say. "You're my boyfriend. How's it gonna look if I go to show him his new home without you?"

Before Jensen could protest Jared pressed forward and took his lover's mouth in a hard kiss. His hand slid up under the back of Jensen's shirt, fingers pressing along his spine as his tongue swept along Jensen's bottom lip.

Like any kiss from Jared, the touch brought a moan to Jensen’s lips and he arched up into the man’s body, nails sliding up into his lover’s hair. He couldn’t help parting his lips under the sweep over Jared’s tongue, heart instantly picking up speed at the swell of heat. “Jared,” he half gasped into the kiss, a small shudder shaking his shoulders. “I don’t want to be mean to him.”

"Come with me," Jared murmured. His teeth caught Jensen's bottom lip and tugged gently before letting go. There was never enough time for kissing Jensen as far as Jared was concerned. While his lips moved softly against Jensen's, Jared's palm slid up his thigh and pressed against the hardening bulge in the man's jeans. "Please, come with me," he whispered.

Groaning softly, Jensen bit at Jared’s lip a little harder than necessary, half smirking when the man yipped. “Only if you promise we’ll pick this up later. I want to... try new _things_.” Jensen’s hips rocked up into the heat of Jared’s hand and he moaned softly, brushing his nose along Jared’s.

"I want you, tonight." Jared's voice was thick, his lip stinging and his mind whirling with sensation. "Here, in _our_ room."

Jensen shuddered softly, the idea far too appealing, especially if they were supposed to get up and leave the room. “Want? Like, like you um, want to fuck me? Maybe?” Just saying it made his blood boil.

"Yeah, I know you'd let me. I know you want it," Jared whispered against his lover's lips. "Want you to come with me, settle Matt, have dinner and all the time I want you to think about me fuckin' you." Jared's drawl came out a little stronger; his heart pounding out a crazy rhythm as he thought about Jensen's body so close to his.

“Oh god,” Jensen half gasped, half moaned, surging up into Jared and crushing their lips together. His lover’s words burned into his mind and Jensen could hardly stand the idea of waiting, let alone trying to have a full on conversation over dinner. “How am I supposed to wait after you said all that?”

“You want it? That’s the deal,” Jared teased. He didn’t have to let on that it would be near impossible for him to keep his hands off Jensen until later that evening. “Yes or no?”

Groaning once more, Jensen slid off the bed, standing and pacing a few steps away. His hands dug up into his hair as he tried to walk off some of the arousal. “You’re such a tease. I, yeah, okay.” It was going to be a long night.

“C’mere,” Jared growled softly. He held out his hand and waited until Jensen took it then pulled the man in close. Sliding his arms tight around Jensen’s waist Jared pressed his face into the man’s shirt and sighed. “Say you know you’re mine,” he said in a muffled voice.

Swaying into Jared’s body, Jensen inhaled shakily, his fingers sliding up through Jared’s hair. “Jared,” he whispered, closing his eyes against the swell of desire and heat. “I, I know, that I’m yours. That I belong to you.” He was at least completely sure of that fact.

Relief settled over Jared and he turned his head slightly, cheek resting against Jensen's stomach. "Good," he said softly. "That's... real good."

Swallowing thickly, Jensen sank slowly down to his knees, scooting forward between Jared’s spread legs. His hands moved up his lover’s body until his fingers could curl along the man’s jaw. “And you? You’re mine. You belong to me.”

"Of course," Jared said quickly. It shouldn't be like that - he knew - but there was no doubt in his mind. "I'll be here as long as you want me."

“Well that’s easy,” Jensen murmured and leaned up, lips brushing over Jared’s. “I want you forever.” He kissed Jared once more, deeper, then stood before the man could say anything more. They hadn’t really discussed what would happen in a month when Jensen was meant to go home and he didn’t want to sit down for that conversation just then. “Come on, let’s go show Matt his cabin.”

“Okay.” Jared laughed and stood slowly as he adjusted his jeans. “Gonna be a long night.”

-=-=-=-

“Gotcha!” Jensen leaped the moment the bedroom door opened, latching onto Jared’s body and laughing as the man stumbled under his sudden weight. He was fairly sure Jared was about to call him an odd assortment of names but as his lover’s back hit the wall Jensen pressed his lips forward, latching onto that sensitive spot on Jared’s neck.

"Fuck, Jen- okay, oohh." The breath kind of seeped out of Jared's lungs and he slid his hands under Jensen's ass to pull him tighter and higher on his body. "So... you thought about it all night?"

“God yes,” Jensen whispered, lips pressing harder against Jared’s skin. It had felt like the entire night would never end and this Matt guy was wearing on his nerves. Well okay, he was nice and friendly and shy in an adorable way. Everyone loved him. _Yeah_ , wearing. “Were you?” He asked against the edge of Jared’s ear, hips rolling against his lover’s body.

"Yes," Jared rasped. Holding Jensen in his arms was like trying to hold water. His lover was writhing against him and it was entirely too much for Jared to resist. "Jesus."

Staggering toward the bed Jared moaned as Jensen's teeth found the sensitive flesh of his collarbone. Dropping one knee onto the bed, Jared almost tossed Jensen onto the bed. Staring down at Jensen, dragging his eyes down his lover's body, Jared undid the buttons on his shirt slowly. "Get undressed," he said.

“Don’t have to ask me twice,” Jensen mumbled, sitting up quickly and dragging his shirt up over his head. He was temporarily distracted by Jared’s chest as the man shrugged out of his shirt. “You touch too much,” he muttered, shaking his head slightly with a forced laugh. “All hands. They should only be on me.” He was probably referring to the hug Jared had given Matt before Chad and Kane walked him outside, and he was pretty sure Jared knew that.

Smirking, Jared undid his belt buckle and let it hang there for a moment. "You like when I touch too much when _you're_ gettin' it." His words weren't quite as convincing as they might have been if he _hadn't_ been licking his lips as he trailed his gaze drifted down Jensen's body.

“That’s because your hands only belong on me.” Jensen smiled, surprisingly shy for the words he was saying as he fell back, hips lifting. His hands shook slightly as he slipped his button free, dragging down the zipper and blowing out a breath as the pressure eased. “You wouldn’t like it if I was suddenly all touchy feely with anyone.” His eyes fixed on Jared as his thumbs hooked under his waist band and he lifted, shoving his jeans and boxers off in one fluid movement.

Jared's hands shook as he slid his zipper down. It wasn't like they hadn't _experienced_ each other’s bodies before but there was something very vulnerable about Jensen. His face was flushed, his eyes dark and his body looked a little tense. Jared's smile warmed and he slipped his jeans down and stepped out of them. "You don't look quite as brave now as you did earlier."

Wetting his lips slowly, Jensen sat up and resisted the urge to drag a pillow across his lap. Whenever he did that Jared would patiently pull it away, reassure him through touch and small kisses, but Jensen didn’t want him thinking he wasn’t ready for this. “I’m nervous,” he admitted quietly, looking up as the bed dipped with Jared’s knee sliding onto it. “Not, because I’m not ready. I am, and I love you, and I want this. Just... worried whether I’ll be good, worried I’ll do something stupid I guess.”

Dropping down onto the bed Jared walked forward on his knees until he could lie down beside Jensen. “Jensen, have you seen what you do to me? Sometimes, just the way you kiss me. It’s like I can feel it everywhere, it like a wind rushing down my body.” Jared shuddered slightly just thinking about it.

A hint of a smile twitched at Jensen’s lips and he reached out, trailing his fingers slowly down Jared’s chest. “Like rushing wind, eh?” Jensen laughed softly at that and shifted closer, dropping down enough to brush his lips along Jared’s shoulder. “Well, if you’re certain, I mean, you know, that I’ll be okay. I mean, you’ve done all this before right?”

"Jensen? You're over thinkin'. Don't _make_ me get your journal." Jared laughed softly and rolled forward to cover Jensen's body and press him hard down into the bed. "You really wanna spend our first night together talkin' 'bout our past?"

To send his point home Jared pressed forward and felt the heat of Jensen’s body. He loved touching him, could spend an entire night just running his hands over smooth skin, tracing scars and lines, memorizing the curves.

Instantly Jensen was arching up into the touch, his lips parting in a soft gasp. “N-no, I don’t.” He could bring up all that sometime later, much much later. Blinking his eyes open he stared up at Jared, his breath already picking up speed once more, the flush of heat crawling across his skin.

“Jared,” he whispered, sliding his hand up to tuck hair behind his lover’s ear. Sometimes it hit him, shockingly hard, how gorgeous Jared was. The fact that he was _Jensen’s_ was enough to make his mind spin. “Just, please, reassure me, tell me this is what you want.” Maybe he was still occasionally uncertain, Jared was always patient at least.

"Jensen, baby, listen to me. Please hear me. I love being near you, next to you, watching you. I can tell when you're sad by the way you move, and I know the sound of your breathing and the way you smell. You're amazing; you know all these things and you've lived through-" Jared sighed and caught his bottom lip under his teeth.

"On top of all the amazing things you are, you're gorgeous and sexy and I _want_ you like I've never wanted anyone else." Sliding his hand up Jensen's chest Jared gripped his lover's jaw tightly. "I _want_ you."

The emotion was welling thick up in Jensen, his heart skipping at least one beat as Jared spoke. He could feel the adoration in Jared’s words and it was impossible not to believe him. The grip at his jaw remained tight for just a moment as their eyes locked and Jensen tried to form words. “Jared,” he whispered, blinking back the surprising swell of tears.

Then he was surging forward, pressing against the hold until he could throw his arms around his lover and crush their lips together. He felt so much for Jared and he’d never been as good at words, couldn’t tell Jared just how strong those feelings were. Instead he kissed him with everything he had, hard and deep, bodies sliding together as he pressed in closer.

Jared let out a low moan, hands sliding up into Jensen's hair and holding him there. Jared knew Jensen's heart - he knew the words may only come with time but he trusted in that kiss; he felt what it meant. In that very moment Jared felt Jensen give himself over, trusting Jared, surrendering to what he couldn't vocalize.

Rolling back slightly Jared traced the curves of Jensen's body until he could grasp his lover's thigh and pull it up over his hip. Jensen fit against him perfectly; knee bent over Jared's hip, fingers digging into Jared's back. Pulling back slightly Jared sucked in a shaky breath. " _God_ , I love you."

A shaky, pleased laugh fell from Jensen and he pressed another kiss to Jared’s lips. “It’s so good to hear you say that. I love you too, so much. I... it’s,” Jensen sighed with the words and pressed forward, trailing his kisses along Jared’s neck. “You make me so complete Jared, make me feel like, nothing will ever be better than us, here.”

Pulling back slightly he smiled at Jared and half shrugged. “You know I’m not always best with speaking. Maybe I’ll write you a long romantic letter. Know how much you enjoy reading things like that.”

"I like your writing," Jared said softly. His voice was thick and rasped out of his throat. As he spoke, his back arched just enough to send his hips forward. Fingers spread wide he ran his palm up Jensen's thigh, over his hip and cupped the swell of his ass. Squeezing hard he crushed Jensen up against him. "You feel how hard you get me?"

Breathless once more, Jensen moaned and rocked against the heat of his lover’s body. “Yes,” he breathed, hands sliding down along Jared’s shoulders. With the way Jared was making his blood pulse in his ears, his heart racing, Jensen wasn’t so sure he’d make it through this whole thing. “I want you,” he murmured and pushed forward, sucking kisses over Jared’s skin.

Rolling onto his back, Jared pulled Jensen over him and settled his lover on his hips. Sliding his hand up he pulled out the bottle of lube he'd stashed there earlier. Lips curving into a slight smile, Jared slicked up his fingers then slid his hand down the underside of Jensen's cock, over the heat of his balls and pressed at the wrinkled skin behind them. "You sure?"

“God yes,” Jensen groaned, rocking his body down to try and get Jared’s finger moving. He’d thought about this - even before he met Jared - and to think of finally having it was almost surreal. He shuddered at the smooth liquid cool ghosting across his skin then sucked in a breath as Jared’s fingertip breached him. Jensen hasn’t necessarily spent hours considering how he would enjoy this - after all, he’d only recently started believing he’d actually get to _have_ it - but almost instantly his body was responding, shuddering with pleasure as he rocked back onto his lover’s finger.

Jared's eyes widened slowly, heat creeping up his neck as he watched the way Jensen responded. His lover's body came alive, twisting slightly, pressing back to try and slide Jared's finger deeper. It was all kind of intoxicating and Jared gasped out a small moan of pleasure as he slid his free hand up his lover's chest.

Catching Jensen's hard nipple between his thumb and forefinger Jared pinched it hard, tugging, _loving_ the way Jensen pulled back _just_ slightly then pressed forward. "I wanna fuck you like this," Jared murmured. "Wanna see you, your face, _fuck_..." Jensen was gorgeous. His skin was flushed, lips wet and swollen and his eyes had darkened so much there was hardly a sliver of color left.

“Jesus, Jared,” Jensen hissed as the words burned through him. His fingers flattened over Jared’s chest, muscles clenching around Jared’s finger then relaxing. “It feels... god, so good. More Jared, more. Want you in me.” His body was in constantly motion, moving down onto Jared’s finger, into the pain-pleasure of his pinching twist at his nipple.

Jared dropped his gaze to Jensen's cock. The flesh was ruddy, swollen and he could see pre-come glistening on the tip. Scraping blunt nails down Jensen's chest, Jared slid a second finger deep inside his lover's heat.

Jensen's body rolled forward, then arched back and he let out a soft moan that made Jared spine tingle all the way down his body. Sweeping his thumb over the glistening head of Jensen's cock, Jared licked his lips. "Look at me," he said.

“Fuck.” Jensen forced his eyes open, slowly letting them settle on Jared’s dark gaze. If the man continued to talk like this, Jensen was going to completely lose it before they even got to actual sex. He was breathing hard, his hips rolling slow circles down against the stretch and slight burn, and he swallowed a thick swell of arousal.

“‘Nother,” he half grunted, dropping down to capture Jared’s lips in a slow kiss. It heated just as fast, his tongue thrusting forward, knees pressing tight against Jared’s hips. Jensen just wanted him _now_.

As soon as Jensen's lips touched his, Jared pushed his tongue past the man's lips and claimed his mouth. His hand slid around to grab a handful of Jensen's hair tightly and pull his head back. Lips _just_ out of reach of Jensen's, Jared withdrew his fingers slowly and eased them back in, eased them out then slid them forward. He could feel Jensen straining against the hold he hand on his hair.

Panting softly, Jared could feel Jensen's breath hot and moist on his lips. "How bad you want it?"

A low growl rose up in Jensen’s throat and he struggled forward then back, not sure what he wanted most. Jared was kind of driving him insane, in the absolute best way. “S-so bad, god, Jared. Just wanna feel you in me, want... fuck, I _need_ it.” There was really no better way to put it and Jensen struggled back for _more_.

A shudder passed through Jared's body sending gooseflesh skittering down his skin. "Jesus," he hissed.

Pulling his hand free, Jared gripped Jensen's shoulder and shoved him sideways. Flipping himself over he pushed Jensen's legs apart and slid between them. Sucking in a deep breath he pressed up against Jensen's body, sliding his aching cock over Jensen's balls then along the underside of the man's shaft.

Whenever Jared used his strength on Jensen, it drove him a little insane, in a way he never thought it would. “Please Jared,” he gasped and arched up into the teasing heat of his lover, fingers tightening on the man’s arms. “God, please.” He had no problem begging, telling Jared just how badly he wanted this. His body was already thrumming, pleasure nearly blurring his vision.

Lifting Jensen's legs to his shoulders Jared pressed forward to take Jensen's mouth again. Easing his tongue forward, he reached down and lined up his cock, pressing gently at first. When he felt the _give_ , the way Jensen's body almost drew him in - he thrust his tongue forward.

Jensen was trembling beneath him, moaning and Jared softened the kiss slightly as he eased deeper into the heat of Jensen's body. Pulling back he stared down into Jensen's eyes, watching the emotions flit across his lover's face.

There was really no way to describe feeling Jared in him for the first time. For every moment of burning, uncomfortable stretching, Jensen felt the tidal wave of _love_ and everything seeping from Jared. It hardly took any time for him to get past the discomfort and settle into the stretch and _full_. “Jared,” he whispered, somewhere closed to shocked awe as he stared up at his lover, fingers fluttering along the man’s cheek. “Do it. Fuck me.”

Eyes locked with Jensen's, Jared pulled his hips back then thrust forward. His lashes fluttered closed as desire and pleasure slammed hard into him. Jensen's hips twisted slightly, urging Jared's cock deeper and pushing another moan from Jared's aching throat.

It was tight and hot; the heady scent of Jensen was everywhere around Jared. Groaning with pleasure, straining to hold himself back, Jared blinked his eyes open and sank forward to slant his mouth over Jensen's. The kiss was deep, wet and urgent; tongues sliding together as Jared's hips rolled forward again and again.

Jensen didn’t bother trying to swallow his moan. Instead he let Jared swallow it, his body arching up into the heat filling him. He hated the moment Jared pulled away and nearly saw stars as he pushed back in. It was the best thing Jensen had ever felt and his entire skin was sparking.

“Fuck, Jared, harder,” Jensen groaned as he tore back from the kiss and curved his neck, head digging back into the pillow. His entire body rippled with the movement, spine arching in a bow, muscles clenching for a moment around Jared with the wave of pleasure.

Growling softly, Jared sucked in a deep breath as he threw his head back. Pushing up from Jensen's body he curled his arm around Jensen's leg and snapped his hips forward. Jensen moaned louder, hands reaching up to claw at Jared's body. It was like a _fucking_ work of art - the way Jensen's body twisted, his muscles rippled - and _Jesus_ \- the way Jensen's body just _took_ him in was making Jared's heart beat out of control.

Reaching down, Jared managed to curl his fingers around Jensen's cock even as he pounded against him. Thrust after thrust bringing them both closer to their peak. Sweat dripped down Jared's neck and he threw his head back again, back arching to angle down and find the _perfect_ spot to slam forward again.

As Jared slammed up against the bundle of nerves in him Jensen nearly screamed, biting it back at the last minute, teeth clamping down hard enough on his lip it nearly hurt. His body slammed back against each punishing thrust and Jensen thrust up into the heat of Jared’s hand moving swiftly over him.

His control was spinning out of whack, heat and thick desire making it hard to breathe. Jared didn’t stop, his pacing increasing, growing harder and faster with each downward thrust. Then Jensen couldn’t hold back, his nails dug hard into Jared’s chest and he moaned his lover’s name loudly, his release causing every inch of him to tense then release in ripples of pleasure.

Jensen's muscles clenched _tight_ around Jared's cock just as hot come splashed over Jared's hand. His eyes widened slightly as he watched Jensen's entire body arch up as he came - and then all the heat and desire he'd been feeling kind of blew apart inside him. With a last hard thrust of his cock deep inside his lover, Jared came. Each pulse of come that left his body was so good it almost hurt. Crying out Jensen's name, Jared collapsed forward nearly crushing Jensen but finding his lover's mouth even as their bodies were still twitching and shivering.

The kiss shifted from heat to something slow and tender, warming Jensen’s still racing heart in a different way. His hands stroked lovingly through Jared’s hair, tongue sweeping slowly along Jared’s. _God_ he loved this man, so much it nearly hurt.

Breaking from the kiss, Jensen moaned softly and ran his nose along Jared’s. “I’m so very glad I’ve met you. I know I’ve said it but, god, Jared, you make me... so happy to be alive.” They both knew what a big thing that was and Jensen smiled as he pressed a kiss to Jared’s still slightly sweat damp temple.

Jared let out a half laugh, smile spreading then fading as he brought their lips together _so_ gently. There wasn't really an answer to that - and Jared wasn't sure he could speak with emotion thick in his throat. Withdrawing reluctantly from the heat of Jensen's body, Jared crawled up beside him and collapses bonelessly, arm and leg draped possessively over his lover's body.

Humming softly, Jensen tucked into the heat of Jared’s body, fingers tracing slowly along his lover’s forearm. There were a thousand words of love and adoration dancing across his tongue but he didn’t voice them, just let himself relax into the comfortable warmth of _them_.

Eventually, when he thought maybe Jared had blacked out already, he let little moments of his usual self-consciousness creep back in him. Sighing quietly he closed his eyes against the thought before whispering, “Jared?”

"Hmm?" Shifting closer, Jared sighed and kissed Jensen's shoulder as he patted the bed beside him a few times before finding the blanket and tugging it over them.

“It was good, yeah?” Jensen murmured the question, lip twitching in a smile when the heat of the blanket covered them.

Forcing his eyes open Jared smiled up at his lover and smoothed his fingers over Jensen's cheek. "It was perfect, you are perfect," Jared murmured. Turning Jensen's gaze toward him, Jared smiled before stretching up to kiss Jensen's cheek. "I'm _so_ in love with you, Jensen. You're gonna break my heart." Nuzzling closer, Jared let his heavy eyelids close.

“No, Jared, never,” Jensen whispered and closed his eyes as well, pressing hard into Jared’s side. As long as he was alive he was going to make sure he never hurt Jared, _that_ was something he had no doubt about.

Jared tugged Jensen closer and whispered against his ear. "But you won't stay much longer. It'll be time for you to go soon and ... well, I'm keeping you close until then." There was no way Jared wanted to hold Jensen back now that he was feeling some of the happiness that he'd been denied for so long. "You'll come visit, right?"

“What? You mean, am I leaving?” Jensen said, lips pursing in a slight frown. He hadn’t even considered the idea of leaving Jared, like just the thought would break his heart. Eyes fluttering open, Jensen shifted until he could stare up at Jared, blinking a few more times for good measure. “Why would I go?”

Jared tilted his head, sleep drifting away as he looked at the concern on Jensen’s face. “You... you said it was the middle of nowhere, that you didn’t really want to be here...”

“Jared, I said that a couple of days after I tried to kill myself for the third time and failed. I didn’t want to be _anywhere_.” Jensen smiled sadly up at the man, hesitating a moment before reaching out to touch his cheek. “The truth is, I got fired more than half a year ago, I gave up my apartment when I came here, I have nowhere to go. But, that’s not, shit I’m not good at this.”

Jensen laughed shakily and sat up, twisting around to look down at Jared and take his hand, threading their fingers together. “I’m so very gone for you Jared, you know that. And here? At the Ranch? I’ve never felt so alive or happy. I love the solitude, the horses, cooking dinners, walking with you. Hell, even Kane and Chad. So, if you want me and it’s okay, I want to stay here, be with you, be... your partner or, or whatever. I can help around the ranch, anything. So, I’ma stop talking and you should now before I freak out.”

Jared had to clear his throat a few times before he could swallow. Pushing up slowly he sat beside Jensen, staring at the hands and the way their fingers twined so perfectly together. "That's what you really want?"

It wasn’t what Jensen was expecting but he nodded regardless, squeezing Jared’s hand. “Yes, of course. Why would I... I can’t even imagine giving you up now, or ever. I, don’t you?”

“Want you here? Are you fuckin’ crazy?” Jared burst out laughing and clambered up to his knees so he could wrap his arms around Jensen. “I want you here forever and it’s totally not appropriate to say that - and the thing is, I don’t even give a shit. I want you here. Stay. _Right_ here. Our room, our ranch, our horses.” He laughed louder and rocked back and forth slowly as he kissed Jensen’s hair. “Even _our_ Christian and Chad.”

Jensen couldn’t help joining into the laughter, throwing his arms around Jared and letting the man sway them on the bed. The words were joining the list of the best things Jared had ever said and Jensen had a feeling that list was going to be ridiculously long. “Great. I- seriously. This is the best...” Jensen trailed off with enough laugh and caught Jared by the jaw, tugging him in for a kiss.

“You have to go with me to the city soon, to get the rest of my stuff from storage. I have some money, I want to donate it to the ranch or whatever. Our money. Will you come with me?” Jensen felt giddy and wide awake, which was okay he supposed, especially if it meant receiving Jared’s smile.

Grinning, Jared nodded so hard his hair flopped down over his eyes and he blew at it. "Okay, wait.... stay right here." He untangled himself from Jensen and the blanket and slipped out of bed. " _Don't_ go anywhere," he ordered.

“Where would I go? To visit our Chad?” Jensen couldn’t help snickering at that too. They were behaving like little kids, it was kind of amazing.

“Stay!” Jared laughed and unlocked the bedroom door and pulled it open, peering out into the hallway before darting out.

“Jared!” Jensen called out, eyes growing even wider as he watched the naked ass of his boyfriend disappear around the corner.

He was just starting to get a little concerned by how long it was taking naked Jared to get whatever the hell he was getting when he heard a scream that was a little too feminine to be normal. It was followed by Chad yelling Jared’s name and variety of other colorful words and Jensen burst into laughter even as he tugged the blanket over his body, deciding even if Jared had already been gone five minutes, Jensen wasn’t risking going after him.

Running back into the bedroom, Jared busted out laughing as he fumbled with the door and the lock while trying not to drop everything. He'd just about managed to get his laughter under control when he caught Jensen's eye and started laughing all over again.

Stumbling over to the bed Jared kneeled down and set a plate with cheesecake, two sodas and some strawberries on the bed. Laughter finally dying down he grinned at his lover. "Celebrate?"

Jensen grinned and nodded, reaching out for a strawberry and bringing it up to take a bite. As he chewed the burst of sweetness on his tongue he pressed the rest to Jared’s lips, grinning at the smear of red sticky juice over his mouth. “You ran into Chad naked didn’t you?” He asked with a smirk, shaking his head even if he was amused.

Opening his mouth, Jared sucked in the rest of the strawberry and nodded. Chewing he chuckled softly then swallowed. “Poor guy was getting a glass of water in the kitchen.”

“I’m sure he’ll get you back somehow.” Jensen laughed and dipped forward, slowly licking over Jared’s lower lip before sucking it in to draw up the flavor. “One day, I’m gonna marry you and become a Padalecki, ‘cause I think I’d like you as my family. That good with you?”

"Jensen!" Jared pulled back and tried to look shocked. "I'll have you know, I'm a Texas gentleman and if there's any marryin' to be done? I think I'll be doin' the askin'." Shaking his head slowly he laughed softly. "And, Jensen? There's time, we got time." Picking up another strawberry Jared held it up to Jensen them kept moving it closer so Jensen had to follow it.

Brows rising, Jensen eyed Jared for a moment before blushing and looking down. “I was just saying, you know, just... saying.” Shrugging Jensen snatched Jared’s hand to keep the strawberry in place and leaned forward to take a bite.

Jared smiled, watching as some of the red juice trickled down Jensen’s chin. Catching it with his finger he leaned in to lick at the rest. “I think,” he said between licks and kisses, “a fall wedding, it’s beautiful here then.”

Jensen smiled, shifting forward to brush his lips slowly over Jared’s. “Jared, you sayin’ you think I’m good enough to become a Padalecki?”

"Don't think it, I know it," Jared murmured against Jensen's lips.

Jensen’s heart nearly exploded and he waited just a moment before diving forward, crashing hard into Jared. “Then, fall wedding it is.” Jensen was pretty sure this much happy was going to make his heart explode. He was willing to take the risks though.

“So, we goin’ ridin’ tomorrow? I told Matt I was busy. Said I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend.” Jared blushed slightly, after all, it was crazy how much he’d enjoyed saying it.

“Oh yeah, long day riding. Also we should visit Mom and Dad.” Jensen paused for a moment, watching Jared to see how he might react.

Jared's smile softened and he dropped his gaze for a few moments. "Yeah? You wanna do that?"

The idea that Jensen would even think to suggest it was about the best thing Jared had ever heard. Keeping his gaze lowered Jared's smile brightened even as his eyes teared up slightly.

“We gotta tell them the good news,” Jensen murmured and gently swept his thumb below Jared’s eye. Leaning in he tipped his lover’s head back so their lips could meet, smiling into the kiss. “Now come on, let’s feed each other cheesecake then have more sex then sleep late. Best celebration plan ever.”


End file.
